Marked by Grief Read online

  "It?" Jason asked him as he tucked Kit's head under his chin and circled his arms around his smaller frame.

  Kit fumbled. "The spankingand stuff?"

  He felt Jason's chuckle through the other man's chest and smiled at the sound close to the lower growl of thunder. "I was eighteen the first time my partner tried to spank me. Back then I didn't know I'm a top. There was another guy with us, and though I didn't like being spanked, I enjoyed spanking him. The most experienced of the three of us showed me how to use a flogger on the other guy. He liked canes too, which I don't. But it was good experience and my first taste of the less traditionalside ofsex."

  Kit had asked but he really didn't like hearing about Jason with another guy. Still though, he was curious. "Your first time was withtwo other guys?"

  Jason nodded. "At a club no less. I was just barely over eighteen. Bear didn't know. I was too nervous to tell him. But he followed me there and watched as I went in. Thankfully he didn't come in after me but he did ask me about it the next day, especially when he saw the red marks on my wrists. I don't do well with being tied and had struggled pretty violently untilthe guyuntied me."

  "Whytryit then?"Kit asked himquietly.

  Jason shrugged. "To be honest I was embarrassed and new. I didn't know what I liked or didn't, or how much. And I didn't want to appear to be a wuss in front of the other guys. It was a valuable learning experience, but not my fondest sex memory. A year later Bear came over here unannounced and let himself in when I didn't answer the door right away. He wanted to borrow a movie and got a pretty big shock when he heard the guy I was with in the bedroom. He didn't see anything but he did give me a strange look when he saw the guy's wrists as he was leaving a few minutes later."

  Kit flinched. He didn't want to know any more. Didn't want to know about the guys Jason had done exactlythat to. "Please… stop…"

  Jason's arms tightened around him. "Talk to me, Kit."

  Kit pressed his eyes tightly together to keep from crying. "I don't want to hear about you with anyone else. No more."

  Jason ran his hands down Kit's arm and side. "Okay. I won't say anymore. But, Kit, you asked. And you knew I wasn't a virgin. Before you came to the shop, you didn't even know I was gay. You can't be mad at me for havingexperiences that didn't involve you years ago."

  Kit knew he was being unreasonable. "I just don't like it. I want to be your only one. No one else. Not ever again."

  "I know youdo, Kitty."

  Kit grinned. "I'mgoingto kick your ass."

  Jason laughed. "You're going to need to eat a whole lot more for that to happen. Even then it'll be a slimchance."

  "I know." He had to start eating again, and going to school and getting a job. "Little steps though. Right?"

  Jasonnodded. "Nothingyouaren't readyfor."

  A slow smile came over Kit's lips. He could handle that. "Can we stay like this then? Just a little longer?"

  "Yes. As long as you want," Jason told him quietly. "There's no rush. We'llstay like this and I'llhold you until the water gets cold." Kit sighed against his chest and Jason wrapped his arms around him, holding him close as Kit closed his eyes and relaxed against him.

  Chapter 5

  Jason was awakened well before he wanted to be by an unfamiliar noise in his bedroom. He held his breath and counted to ten. The exercise helped him focus oncataloguinghis surroundings the wayhe'd done since he was a kid. His bedroomdoor was stillshut and locked. He'd had to petition the apartment manager to allow him to install that deadbolt but it had become a necessity for his peace of mind over the years. He looked to the blinds. They were undisturbed and the windows were still locked behind them. The wind outside would have been making them move if the windows weren't closed. Good. No one else was in the room with him and Kit. He blew out the breath he'd beenholding.

  There it was again, the muffled cry that had caught his attention, even in the deepest recesses of sleep. He turned to Kit and frowned when he saw the ball the smaller man had managed to turn himself into during the night. Jason put a hand on his shoulder and then barely missed getting punched in the jaw as Kit blindlylashed out at himwithbothfists.

  "Fucking hell, Kit," he ground out as he grabbed Kit's thin wrists and pinned themup above his head. Jason knew he had no right to be mad at Kit for having a nightmare. And he wasn't. Not really. Groggy and irritated at his sleep being disturbed, sure, but not mad. It was more fear and concern that made his heart race as Kit struggled violently beneath him. And holding onto him was a balancing act. Jason knew his own strength. He had to, as a Dom who liked to mark his partners with his hands and the flogger. If he didn't know how strong he was he could easily hurt someone. But holdingKit as he fought himwithout evenrealizingit was dangerous for the younger man and Jason didn't want to hurt himbecause ofit.

  "Bear!" Kit yelled, his voice hoarse from the tears Jason could see running down his cheeks. "Help! Bear!"

  "Shit." Jason's heart clenched as he looked down into that pale, pain torn face. He shook Kit's wrists as carefully as he could, hoping the jolt would wake him.

  "Bear. Sorry, Bear." He shook his head from side to side and thrashed under Jason.

  He cursed and turned his head away as Kit's hips pushed up against him, finding his cock and giving him just enough play to get his body's attention. This was absolutely the wrong time to get a hard-on but his cock could have reallycared less. "Kit!"he shouted into the man's face as he shook himagain.

  Kit went stillunder him. Slowlythe fight seemed to drain out of Kit and Jason released his hold on the man's wrists. "What's your name?" Jason asked him quietly. He was pulling at whatever therapy techniques the counselors had taught himwhen he was a kid. He'd had nightmares then, but most of the stuff they'd taught himhe hadn't thought about for years.

  "Kit Gibson,"he said, shutting his eyes tightly as he turned away.

  Jasonnodded. He no longer looked like he was in pain, though he was still paler than Jason would have liked. But then again, he'd been looking like that since he walked into the tattoo shop. "And who amI?"

  Kit's eyes fluttered open. "Heavy." His voice was just a whisper but there was a hint of a smile on his lips.

  Jasonchuckled. "No, what's myname, Kitty?"

  "If I call you Jason the Asshole, will you let me go back to sleep?"

  Jasonleaned downand trailed a faint line ofsoft kisses over Kit's cheek and jaw. "Glad you're okay,"he said as he released his wrists. He wasn't ready to stop touching himthough. As wrong as it might have been in the moment, Jason liked feeling Kit's body pressed against his. They hadn't put clothes back on after the bath and the feel of Kit's soft skin was just too much of a temptationfor Jasonto ignore.

  Kit scowled at him. "Course I'm okay. What are youdoingontop ofme?"

  "You had a nightmare." He couldn't explain more thanthat.

  Kit's mouth flattened into a hard line. "Always have them. Sorry."He yawned loudly.

  Jason nodded. "It's okay." He should really get off of him. He really should. Fuck. He dipped his hips, just a fraction of an inch, and felt Kit's cock there waiting for him. Kit's eyes closed as he moved his hand between them and brushed the length of Jason's cock withunsure fingers.

  "Guys do it like this sometimes, don't they?"Kit whispered as he dropped his head to the side.

  Jason rubbed against the length of his cock, feeling the hard flesh pressing against his own and biting back a moan. "Yeah, they do," Jason said, rememberingKit had asked hima question.

  "I haven't." His inexperienced fingers fumbled over Jason's cock as he tried to rub themtogether.

  Jason reached between them and tangled his fingers through Kit's, pulling his hand aside and bringing it up to the pillow next to his head. "You just had a nightmare." It was a weak excuse as he felt Kit lift his hips up to meet his. "Ah fuck, Kit, don't do that," he ground out betweenclenched teeth.

  "I always have nightmares." Kit dropped his hips back down to the bed. "Don't usually have you." His eyes were open
and Jason could just barely make out the green of them in the soft glow of light from the nightlight he kept inthe bathroom.

  He swallowed thickly and nodded. Kit was an adult and he knew what he wanted, and hell if it wasn't what Jason wanted too. He opened the bedside table with his free hand and pulled out the small tube he kept for his solo play. He didn't usually do this with other guys. It had been too intimate for him in the past since he had to face his partners when they rubbed their cocks together. It was too hard to pretend the guy he was fucking was Kit when it wasn't his face staring back at him, moaning in a voice that wasn't his, saying things Kit would have never said.

  But this time as Jason leaned back just enough to spread a few drops of the lube over their cocks, he didn't have to pretend. And as that slow warmth started spreading over his hard skin, he took the mouth he'd beendreamingabout for years ina possessive kiss.

  "It's warm," Kit whispered in awe when Jason broke their kiss just long enough for themto catch their breaths.

  He nodded. He'd bought it specifically because of that and it had worked as he'd closed his eyes and pretended the liquid warmth was Kit's mouth as it slid over his cock. He took their cocks in his hand and began sliding them together as his fingers clenched around Kit's. Kit bucked beneath himbut Jason leaned downand kissed him, forcinghimto focus onsomething else as Jason chose the rhythm. A moment later he felt Kit's short nails biting into the muscle of his ass as he clutched at him.

  Jason broke the kiss and let his head drop beside Kit's hand on the pillow. Kit was moaning incoherently as he moved beneath him, trembling as Jason sped up and squeezed themharder together. "Oh fuck, Kit, youfeeltoo good."

  Kit nodded and pushed his head back, giving Jason more of his skin as he nipped and licked at the tender flesh Kit so eagerly offered him. "Please, Jason," he begged as he shook beneathhim.

  Jason gave Kit everything he had been wanting and so muchmore as their climaxes hit at the same time, pushing them both higher than they would have ever been alone. As Jason moaned loudly into his mouth, Kit clutched them tightly together. They lay together for a few longminutes, sharingbreaths and gentle kisses.

  "Think you can sleep now?" Jason asked as he rolled offofKit. He ignored the mess on his stomach as he pulled the other mantoward him.

  Kit had a small smile on his swollen lips as he pressed his back against Jason's chest. His arms came around Kit, holding his thin frame against him. He still couldn't get over how much weight he'd lost. Or how quickly it had happened. He could feel Kit's ribs under his fingertips and the points of his narrow shoulder blades dug into his muscular chest. Kit shuddered with everyshallow breathas he quicklyfellback to sleep.

  And Jasonnearlycried.

  "I promise you, Kit,"he whispered as he kissed the back of his head. "I'll always be here for you. No matter what, and regardless of what anyone else says. I failed youonce and I won't do it again."

  "Osssay, Jassson… loves you," Kit breathed sleepily.

  Jasonsmiled. He loved Kit too.

  * * * * Jason was already up, dressed and showered, when Kit groaned and rolled over in bed. Jason smiled at himand ruffled his sex-tousled hair. The younger man had more than surprised him last night; he'd been close to shocked as Kit took everything he had to give and seemed to enjoyit.

  Kit passed every test Jason threw at him. Not that he liked to think of his sex life as a series of tests. But it often felt like that. His partners would do something, usuallywithout meaningto, whichwould ruin anything they and Jason had constructed in their short time together. And it was always short; Jason couldn't remember any of his relationships lasting more than a few weeks.

  But Kit, he was different. Sure, he could be stubborn, but Kit had always been like that. And stubbornness wasn't a deal breaker as far as Jason was concerned. Insolence was and fortunatelyKit had never developed that particular trait.

  "Get up, Kit," he called as he finished brushing his hair. "We're goingsoon."

  "Go 'way,"Kit grumbled sleepily.

  Jason grinned at him. They'd never been on the

  same page in the mornings. He and Bear were early risers. Kit had always slept as long as anyone would let him. But that wasn't going to happen today. He went to the side of the bed and yanked the covers back, exposing Kit to the early morning chill and the bright sunlight coming in through the blinds Jason opened every morning. "Time to get up."He sat on the bed next to Kit's hip.

  Jason lightly stroked his fingertips down Kit's side. His lean body had always been beautiful. He'd never been muscular, but then again, Jason didn't like a lot of muscles on his guys. He worked out and didn't expect the men he brought home to as long as they were in shape. Kit would be back there again with enough time and someone making sure he remembered to eat. Jasonwanted to be that person.

  He touched his left wrist, a force of habit he supposed, and felt only the smooth skin of his arm. His gaze went to the thin band of gray leather, sitting on the bedside table beside Kit's pillow. He hadn't taken it off for any reason in years, not even to shower. But this morning he had. He didn't need it anymore. He was no longer the tattooed Domwho liked to tie guys up as he fucked themand then send themon their way with a bit of cash to cover the taxi fare. He wasn't sure he'd ever really been that guy to begin with. Sure, he liked seeing Kit tied. The younger man had looked damn sexy with the cuffs on his wrists and his arms bound behind his back as Jason took him from behind. But he couldn't remember a time when he hadn't pictured Kit on the faces of those nameless men he'd brought home over the years.

  His only fear was that Kit might not want him back. Sure, they'd had a lot of fun last night. But Jason knew things could look dramatically different in the light of the day. He only hoped Kit wouldn't run from life again. Even if he didn't want to share Jason's bed, he still wanted Kit in his life. Permanently. It had been the three ofthemfor so long that being two felt strange. But being one had been awful. The first month after the accident Jason had worked harder than he'd ever done in his life. And his business had blossomed because of it. When he hadn't been working, which had been rare those days, he'd worked out, often lifting well into the earlyhours ofthe morning.

  Back then he'd have done anything to stay busy and avoid thinking about Bear. He'd needed the distraction at the time but now he knew what a stupid, selfishass he'd been. He was hurtingfromthe loss ofhis best friend, but Kit was nearly dying fromthe loss ofhis brother. And he'd always promised Bear he'd look out for Kit. Whenever Kit had to stay late in school and Bear had to go to practice, Jason had made sure to be there to walk himhome. After Dale broke up with him, Jason had stayed close to make sure he didn't do anything else to hurt Kit. Thankfully most of the guys he'd met were rarely as catty as girls could be and so Dale had left himalone.

  Jason knew he'd let themboth down, especially when Kit really needed himand that realization burned. He leaned downand kissed Kit's forehead.

  "I'ma mess,"Kit said softlyas he came awake. Jason cracked a smile at him. Sure, Kit smelled like sex and his hair was standing up in unruly spikes. But he didn't look like a mess. "You're fine." Kit gave him a smile and he swallowed. Damn he was beautiful when he smiled. "Get up, we've got a stop to make before work." Jason quickly stood up and walked to the closet. He needed to put some space between them before he carried Kit to the shower and joined him under the hot spray. He closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip. This was so not the time for a fucking erection.

  "Didn't you get enough of him last night?" He muttered at the risingtent inhis loose jeans.

  "Who're you talking to?" Kit asked as he came up beside him.

  Jasonturned to look at himand instantlywished he hadn't. Kit hadn't bothered to cover up with anything and Jason could clearly see the red lines across the younger man's ass and thighs. He forced himselfto suck down some air. "Go take a shower," he ground out as his hands clenched into fists at his side.

  Kit's eyes went wide and he took a step back. "Jason… I'msorry… I didn't mean…"<
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  Oh, fuck it. Jason grabbed him and took control of Kit's mouth as his arms held him tightly against his chest. Kit seemed startled for a moment but then moaned loudly as he slipped his tongue between Jason's teeth.

  "Shower, now. Please," Jason breathed as he forced himselfto take a step back fromKit. "Youdidn't do anything wrong. I just want you too damn much and I've got a client at ten."

  Kit's cheeks flamed and his swollen lips turned into a playful grin. Jason smiled back at himand placed a gentle kiss on those lips he loved so much. He doubted he'd ever see them not swollen or bruised again. Not if he could help it anyway. "It's barely seven," Kit said as he glanced at the clock. "We've got time." His fingers slipped into Jason's and he tugged lightly. "C'mon."

  "Wish I could, Kit," he cupped himself, making sure Kit saw just how much he wanted him. "But we've got somewhere to be. Now go get showered."

  Kit frowned but thankfully stopped tugging as he started walking toward the bathroom. "Where're we going?"

  Jason pulled himself away from watching the sway of Kit's hips and the curve of his ass long enough to answer. "The cemetery."

  Kit turned and Jason watched as his impossibly pale skin seemed to lose even more color. "No. Jason, no. I'mnot going."

  He blew out a breath. "Yes, you are. I go every morning on my way to work and you're coming with me. Now go get showered."

  Kit shook his head. "No. I just went. I don't need to go again."

  Jason pressed his lips together. He hated being lied to. And he knew Kit was lying, even if he didn't go there every day. He was certain Kit hadn't been to Bear's grave since the day of the funeral. Just in case though, he'd ask hima question to be sure. "What kind offlowers does your momkeep onhis grave?"

  Kit stopped just inside the bathroom door. He looked back over his shoulder and Jason could see the hurt as it marred his face. "You know I'm lying. Don't you?"

  Jason closed his eyes and nodded. He could have kept lying so Jason supposed his turn at honesty was a good thing. It still didn't erase his previous lie though. "And I hate liars. Youknow that. Thank youfor not continuingto lie to me. Now go shower."