The Ace and the Bear Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Book Details

  The Ace and the Bear

  About the Author

  The

  Ace and

  the Bear

  CAITLIN RICCI

  When Jonah's family moves from San Francisco to a small town in Missouri, they hope it will give Jonah a simpler life—but simple isn't so easily obtained.

  Jonah becomes friends with Ansel and quickly develops a crush on him. When Ansel comes out to him, life seems even better, but as they finish high school and move on to college, life becomes even more complicated for both young men, and their friendship fades with distance and obligations.

  But through all the tumult of life—boyfriends, exes, school, parents, self-discovery—the two men might just find their way back to simply them.

  The Ace and the Bear

  By Caitlin Ricci

  Published by Less Than Three Press LLC

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission of the publisher, except for the purpose of reviews.

  Edited by James Loke Hale and Nicole Field

  Cover designed by Natasha Snow

  This book is a work of fiction and all names, characters, places, and incidents are fictional or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people, places, or events is coincidental.

  First Edition October 2018

  Copyright © 2018 by Caitlin Ricci

  Printed in the United States of America

  Digital ISBN 9781684313655

  The Ace and the Bear

  It was 2008 and I was a week into being eighteen when I met Ansel. I was sitting behind him in class on our first day of senior year history. I was doing fine, just scribbling in my notebook, drawing cats to amuse myself while the teacher continued on when it happened. Ansel turned to the side, putting his arm over the back of the chair, and smiled at me. He had two crooked teeth and a scar on his cheek, and even though I'd crushed on movie stars for years before that, I was suddenly liking the country boy look.

  "Hey, you're new, right?" Ansel asked.

  I nodded and stopped drawing. I had a half-done purple cat staring up at me. "I'm Jonah."

  "Ansel."

  He didn't need to tell me his name. I'd learned it already when the teacher called out and we'd had to raise our hands to tell her that we were here. Maybe I shouldn't have introduced myself either then.

  "You going to the party tonight?" he asked.

  I'd just moved there. I knew no one and I knew nothing about any parties. The most interaction I'd had with anyone had been at the grocery store when a girl who had probably been my age checked us out. I shrugged.

  "Ansel, turn around. Eyes front!" the teacher snapped at him, and he was quickly looking away from me again. Him paying attention to me was a welcome distraction. He tore off a piece of paper, wrote on it for a lot longer than I thought a note should take, then passed it back to me.

  Two miles west of the Walmart on 5, red tractor on the right. Park on field beside barn. Starts at 10.

  "Okay," I whispered. My cheeks were warm. He gave me a thumbs up without looking back at me. I'd been invited to my first party in Missouri.

  *~*~*

  I got dropped off at my driveway at just after four. No bus stops for me. Not anymore apparently. This town didn't actually have them. I had to walk about five hundred feet from the county highway to my front door. I'd been living there almost a week, and it still unnerved me a bit that the speed limit right outside my front door was fifty-five.

  In San Francisco, we'd had a little townhouse with a patch of yard that was smaller than some of the trucks I'd seen in the school parking lot. Now I had over two acres of woods to walk through. My parents wouldn't be home for a few hours, and I didn't have that much homework to do since it was the first day and all, so I went for a walk.

  And I thought about Ansel.

  I had only one friend I still talked to from San Francisco: Daisy. I called her up, needing to talk to someone about the boy who had talked to me today.

  "Hey," she said.

  "I got invited to a party tonight," I told her.

  "That's good." Daisy sounded bored, and like I'd interrupted her. Maybe she was playing video games or something. That was what Daisy loved doing the most.

  I should have just let her go so she could go do whatever she wanted and not be bothered by me, like I felt I was doing. But I'd never really been invited to parties before. I knew the basics. I knew to look good. But more than that? I had no idea and needed advice.

  I tried to tell myself Ansel had probably invited everyone to his party. That made me feel better. And a little less put on the spot. I didn't know that for a fact of course. But thinking that made it less scary. Because if I thought for a moment that a guy as cute as Ansel had actually wanted me to be there as a sort of date, I was pretty sure I would start going nuts. It wasn't a date. It was definitely not a date.

  "Are you gonna go?" Daisy asked me.

  "I have no idea. I want to. I think so."

  "Good. Should I hook up with Tyler again? He's kind of a douche, but he's good sometimes too."

  Ugh. Tyler again. He was her sometimes boyfriend, not really though, mostly just a guy she'd been having sex with for a year or so and didn't do a whole lot else with. I didn't love that she definitely had no interest in talking about what I wanted to either. It wasn't every day that I got invited to a party, or that I even thinking thought a guy was cute, so it would have been really nice to have my friend's attention while I worked through what I was feeling. "Sure. I guess. If you want to."

  "It's not like there are lots of other guys charging down my door to get with me. I know you don't think much of sex, but it's kind of a big deal to me. Be happy for me, please?" She sounded so sad now, like she needed my approval or something. She didn't, though. Not at all. She was my friend, but I stayed far outside of her love life.

  "I am happy for you," I lied. Tyler didn't deserve her, but if she wanted to be with him, I wasn't going to tell her not to be. She was right: I didn't understand sex or her preoccupation with it. But that wasn't something she needed to deal with.

  "Good. Thanks. Look good tonight at the party. You need a boyfriend. You won't get one looking like a slob."

  I didn't want her to worry about me. It wouldn't do any good, and she couldn't do anything to help me from over there anyway. As far as she knew, I was loving tiny town life with the one street light and the movie theater that only had one screen and never had movies the day they came out. I'd looked. I'd quickly given up any hope of seeing any movies on opening night like the rest of America did. "I will. Go have fun."

  "Will do. You too."

  Daisy hung up on me and I stood there in the woods wishing we'd never moved here to begin with. I could be happy and maybe dating people if we hadn't, rather than crushing on some boy who had talked to me once. At the very least I'd have friends still if we hadn't moved here. I couldn't wait to leave again.

  *~*~*

  I got back home before my parents pulled into the gravel driveway.

  "I'm going to a party tonight," I told them as soon as they got into the house.

  My dad, a pharmacist, took off his white lab coat and hung it up. He shared a look with my mom, who worked at the post office in town. "Well?"

  "Is your homework done?" she asked me.

  It would be by the time I left. "Almost."

  They headed into the kitchen and I followed them. I didn't really need their permission to stay out late. At least, I never had back in California, when I'd gone to hang out with Daisy. Not since I'd turned sixteen anyway. But for some reason, I was anxious about whethe
r they'd say yes or not.

  "Who invited you?"

  "Ansel. He's a guy in my history class."

  Dad pursed his lips. I hated that look so much. It meant he was worried about something. It was the whole reason he'd taken us out of a city I'd loved and brought us to this little town where I knew no one. The city was crowded and dangerous, according to him. And there was room to grow here. "Does he know you're gay?"

  "Frank!" Mom sounded pissed.

  "No. And I won't tell him. I don't think this is the kind of town where that would go over so well." I hadn't planned to mention it to anyone until I went to college somewhere far away from this camo loving town.

  Mom looked sad, but we'd already talked about this. They'd brought me here expecting a small town life for us all but also still expecting the kind of openness and acceptance I'd had in California. And that just plain wasn't here. Maybe it was. Maybe I needed to give people more of a chance or more credit or something. But I still wasn't about to start wearing my rainbow paracord bracelet anytime soon. Back in California we'd made those bracelets in class, and plenty of us had used the rainbow paracord.

  Here I figured anything but camo and safety orange would raise an eyebrow.

  "I know to be careful," I promised them. I hated that I had to be. I hated that I had to hide the biggest parts of myself away like that. But I also knew it was only going to be for another year. Just one year of keeping my head down and pretending to be someone I wasn't and then I could go to college and have real friends there.

  I already knew I wouldn't be making friends in Missouri. Not the kind of friends I was used to anyway. I hoped I could find some guys to go to a movie with or something, but to me a friend had always been someone I could share everything with. Someone I could tell I was queer and they'd be totally accepting of that. I'd had those friends in California. But I couldn't see that happening here.

  "Well, if you're sure you'll be fine," my dad hedged.

  I figured I would be. "Yeah. Totally fine."

  "Okay." My mom nodded. "Do you want a ride to wherever this party is?"

  I probably needed one. "Definitely. Thanks."

  She rubbed my head and gave my cheek a kiss.

  *~*~*

  I'd kind of expected people to be drinking at the party, but not to be handed a cup of something that smelled a lot like my dad's whiskey as soon as I'd come through the door. I had alcohol in my hands as my mom was waving bye to me. I gave her an awkward wave back and then some guy I didn't know put his arm around my shoulders and hurried me inside. Someone else closed the door and then there I was, at my very first party in Missouri, with a lot of people in camo and safety orange and girls in cowboy boots and tight jeans. Country music blared from nearly every room, and before long I found myself out in the back yard with the drink still beside me as I looked up at the stars.

  That was the one thing I would probably never get over in Missouri. There were stars everywhere. In California there had been too many lights and too many cities to be able to see anything but the brightest stars, and even they had been faint little trickles in the sky. Here I saw more stars than I ever had before. More than I'd ever even thought possible.

  "Did you already get tired of the party? I can introduce you to people if the issue is that you don't know anyone."

  I turned around to find Ansel standing behind me. He had his shirt off and even though he was around the same age as me, he already had some hair on his chest and a trail going down his stomach. I stared. I shouldn't have, but I did. And then I turned around quickly as I caught myself looking too long at him. Drooling over a cute guy with his shirt off would definitely get me noticed in all the wrong ways.

  "I needed a little air," I said as I forced myself to look back at the stars.

  "Me too." He came forward and plopped down next to me. "Do you like it here so far?"

  I shrugged. There wasn't much I could tell him. Not that wouldn't get me judged and laughed at anyway. "It's fine."

  "Where are you from?"

  I wasn't sure where this sudden interest he seemed to have in me was coming from, but I wasn't exactly going to turn him away either. I wasn't used to having the cute guy notice me, much less talk to me like Ansel was doing. I liked the attention, even if it didn't mean anything. "California."

  "Always wanted to go there. I hear it's a lot different than it is here."

  That was an understatement for sure. "Yeah." I sighed deeply. "I don't exactly fit in here."

  "Because you don't hunt?" he guessed.

  That was really only the start of it. And I really wished it could be that simple. I looked over at him, and then back to the house where everyone was partying loudly, and I wanted him to be the one person I could tell the truth to. But I didn't know him or trust him and so I kept my mouth shut and I kept my secrets to myself.

  "Give this place a chance. You may learn to like it," Ansel said before I could say anything.

  Somehow I really doubted that, but I didn't want to be rude about what was probably his hometown, so I nodded anyway.

  I wondered what Daisy was doing right then. If I'd been back in California, we would have been playing video games together probably. But here I was, trying to find something positive about a town I didn't belong in as I sat next to a seriously cute guy I had nothing in common with.

  Ansel brushed his shoulder against mine. It could have been accidental. It probably was actually. But I didn't want it to be. There he was, cute during the day in class, but he was really good looking there next to me at night with his shirt off.

  I licked my lips and turned away from him. I couldn't be caught staring at him. In San Francisco I would have been able to openly check a guy out. I liked guys that already had a bit of hair on them like Ansel did. I liked the fuzzy bear look. And I really liked Ansel. But he could never know how much I liked him.

  *~*~*

  I learned a lot about Ansel over the next few months. Or I tried to anyway. It was embarrassing to admit it, but I even knew that Ansel smelled like cheap vanilla body wash. Maybe it was his mom's or something. I'd tried really hard not to sniff him, but smelling him was inevitable when he sat right in front of me. A lot of things were apparently inevitable about that though. Like how I knew he only liked his tea a little sweet. He mixed regular tea and sweet tea together. And he drank coffee like my parents did—all the time. But only with milk, no sugar there.

  I knew a lot about him, but none of the important stuff. None of the stuff that the forums I read about getting to know guys and how to start dating said I should. People on the forums talked about mentioning LGBT movies and talking about pride fests and actors that had just come out. Finding mutual interests in our shared community type of thing.

  He always sat right in front of me in history class, even though we didn't have assigned seats. And he always smiled at me. I got better about smiling back at him, though it was hard to shake the feeling that I shouldn't be smiling as big as I was at him. I was constantly checking myself and wondering if I wasn't coming across as straight enough to fool all of them into believing I was something other than I was.

  I was almost completely certain Ansel wasn't bi, gay, or anywhere even close to my queer community. He was just a guy. Just a regular straight guy. Who I unfortunately had a crush on. I had no idea what to do about that or how to quit liking him. Daisy hadn't been any help either. I barely spoke to her in those months. She and Tyler had gotten close and my friendship with her barely existed. I hadn't expected her to ghost me once I'd moved, but maybe I'd been the one to ghost her. We didn't talk anymore and that was my fault too.

  *~*~*

  Prom was right before Christmas break. I was probably the only senior not going to prom. I couldn't. My parents wanted me to, but I didn't want to go sit in a corner all night, since I definitely didn't want to dance with any girls. Not that any of them had seemed at all interested in me.

  So that night I sat there in my front yard looking up at the
stars. My parents were watching me from the window, probably worried about me, since my social life had tanked after moving here. I was okay and they were apparently fine leaving me alone. They'd barely made any fuss at all about me not going to prom. Most likely because I had no friends and no reason to go.

  It was almost midnight and I was ready to start heading back inside to go to bed when someone pulled up in front of my house. I sat up, wondering what was going on, when Ansel got out of his truck.

  "What are you doing here? And how do you know where I live?" I asked him. I didn't get up. My parents must have gone to bed at some point, because they didn't come out to check and see what was going on.

  He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket. He had a suit on under it, so he must have gone to prom. I was curious who he had gone with, and why he wasn't with her now. "You're the new guy and it's a small town. Everyone knows where you live."

  I rolled my eyes. Of course they did. Even more of a reason not come out to anyone here. "So what are you doing here?"

  "Tracey Mueller wanted to have sex with me tonight."

  "Uh..." I had no idea what to say to that. And I barely knew who Tracey was. I couldn't have even picked her out of a line up. She was just another girl at school. "Congrats?" Seriously. What was I supposed to say that? What did anyone say to something like that?

  Ansel snorted and sat down beside me on the grass, much like we'd done at the party months before. "It's so not a congrats kind of situation here, man."

  He leaned forward over his knees, and I wondered first why he was even coming to talk to me about this, since he always had friends around him, and also why he seemed so upset about some girl wanting to do him. I was sure plenty of girls did. Maybe even some guys did. I didn't, but I didn't really think about sex that much anyway.

  "So...?"

  He looked over at me. "Things were a lot more open in California, right? I mean, Harvey Milk was there, so things are better there for—" He shut his mouth, apparently stopping that thought completely.

  But I kind of knew where he was going. Or at least, I thought he did. "Are you gay?" I kept my voice hushed. As if maybe even the trees in this tiny town would judge us badly for who we were.