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  My Life in Hell

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  my life in hell

  CAITLIN RICCI

  Ever since his mom married a demon lord Seth's life has been a bit on the weird side. And now his mom and stepdad are moving to hell, where Seth is expected to get a job. His stepdad helps him out by getting him a job at the Department of Souls and his coworker is a super cute demon, but all anyone seems to want with Seth is a chance to suck up to his high-ranking stepfather.

  When he eventually moves to a different job, he goes from people sucking up to him to a boss who wants absolutely nothing to do with him. At least there are dragons.

  My Life in Hell

  By Caitlin Ricci

  Published by Less Than Three Press LLC

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission of the publisher, except for the purpose of reviews.

  Edited by Nicole Field

  Cover designed by Jennifer Gavens

  This book is a work of fiction and all names, characters, places, and incidents are fictional or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people, places, or events is coincidental.

  First Edition December 2018

  Copyright © 2018 by Caitlin Ricci

  Printed in the United States of America

  Digital ISBN 9781684313709

  my life in hell

  "Seth, honey, we're moving to Hell," my mom announced to me over pecan praline pancakes one morning.

  I stared at her and then I looked to my new stepdad, Balthazar, with his dark red skin that was nearly black and the bit of crinkling around his eyes where sometimes I could see a bit of fire coming through. He was a literal demon, one of probably hundreds, if not thousands, that had been openly walking around Earth with us humans for the past decade. They’d revealed themselves one day, on a live talk show of all places, but they’d probably been with us for a lot longer.

  Demons walking among humans was one thing. But this? Going to Hell? Humans didn’t do that. At least, not live ones. That wasn’t how this worked at all.

  I shook my head with instant rejection. "I'm not going. I just graduated from high school. I have plans this summer, and maybe the most important reason of all, I'm going to college this fall. I can't move to—"

  "We’re moving, all of us, as a family," Balthazar said.

  They'd only been married for three months, and now my mom expected me to move to Hell of all places? And Balthazar felt comfortable in speaking for her? Not only no, but a big old Hell No. "Are there even any humans in Hell? Live ones, I mean."

  "Some. Not a lot. But a few." Balthazar put down the paper he'd been reading. There were little smudge marks on the edges where the paper had smoldered even under his careful touch. "Seth, I think a change will be really good for you. I'll get you a great job down there. Something safe for a human, of course."

  "Of course," my mom chimed in.

  I groaned. "How about if I move out? I could stay up here and you two could move down there." How did a human even get to Hell anyway? I had no idea. Was that something mom already knew? It sounded painful. And dangerous.

  "You don't have a job or money," Balthazar pointed out unhelpfully. "Look, come try out Hell for a little while. You might like it. There's lots to see and do there. Plenty of shopping and boys your age. Maybe you could make some new friends there."

  My mom was smiling as she nodded along. "Or a boyfriend. A nice demon boyfriend, like the one I found, only younger. Your age. With a good job, a stable income, and a nice home life."

  I rolled my eyes. I'd come out to them both only six months before, and now every chance she got she was trying to get me to date. At least she was being supportive, I supposed. Not that that was a comfort to me right now. "I'm fine how I am," I grumbled.

  She reached across the kitchen table and took my hand. "Honey, you're not. Give Hell a chance. I promise, if you hate it after a few months, you can move back up here. You'll have plenty of money then, and it'll be a big deal that you got a job in Hell. Not many people can say they've done that. It'll look great on a resume."

  I hated being practical. And I also hated that she was making sense. "Two months."

  "Three," she tried to bargain with me.

  But I wasn't having it. "Two. Not a day more. Just sixty days, or whatever two months ends up being down in Hell."

  She patted my hand. "Sure. Two months and not a day more. I promise."

  "Fine," I grumbled.

  Balthazar just smiled, showing us both a bit of his fangs.

  *~*~*

  We moved to Hell within five days of my mom telling me we would. It seemed ridiculously fast to me, but maybe not because when we got there, by an underground train of all things, Balthazar led us right down the cobblestone street and up to the steps of a big brick house with a twisting tower in the front yard.

  "I'm not sleeping in the tower," I instantly protested. I was not Rapunzel.

  Balthazar laughed. "Of course you're not sleeping there. That's where the bats live. Come on, you two, I want to show my family my house. This place has been in my family for generations. It's a source of great pride for us demons to live so close to the capitol tower. Seth, that's where you'll be working."

  All the houses were small and twisting except for his. Standing out stark against the smoking sky, our new house was different from the rest in size. It was nearly double that of every other one on the street.

  I looked around as demons began moving our things into the house. More of them were coming out of their homes, some waving at us, some looking at us like we were alien visitors who wanted to probe them or something. I waved back, as did my mom. Balthazar went over and shook a few of their hands.

  "Are we the only humans in this part of Hell?" I asked my mom.

  "Maybe. I don't really know. Let's check out the town later after we get moved in."

  I nodded and started grabbing boxes. They'd decided to rent out the house I'd grown up in, so they'd left all the furniture, but we'd boxed up all of our personal stuff. I had all of my video games and clothes. I didn't need much else besides that.

  I got a room in the back of the house. I had a good view, but it was a view of the next door neighbor. I was probably the only one in the house who saw him walking around without his shirt on.

  The neighbor had dark green skin and horns curling backwards from his temples. I dropped my stuff off and left the room before he could catch me watching him. Not that I really wanted to keep watching him anyway.

  Balthazar slung his arm around my shoulders as soon as I came back out. "What do you think? Isn't it gorgeous?"

  He waved his arm toward the smoky sky and the twisted houses all around us. I saw the dying weeds and everyone around us with fangs and really big teeth, and I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be mean. But really. It was Hell. And I was human.

  "It's great," I forced out.

  He sighed heavily. "Now, I know that's not how you really feel. But give it some time. I promise, this will be good. I got you that great job I was telling you about, the one with the souls. You'll have so much fun and you'll meet so many new and interesting people. Now, you start in the morning, so go relax for now. I can handle the rest of this. Your mother is already exploring the garden. I haven't had the heart to tell her yet that not much actually grows in Hell. Better she thinks she has a chance at it first. I don't want to dash her dreams."

  "Tomorrow?" I'd thought I might have a chance to relax and explore or something. But he'd gotten me this new job less than a few hours after we got here.

  "Yep." He pushed me toward the couch and ha
nded me the TV remote. "Just hang out. I've got this moving us in thing."

  I didn't mind helping, but as soon as I had sat down, he brought in a bunch of demons who did what he said, and they were able to get it done within ten minutes. I wasn't of any use, I guessed, being human and all. His demons had been able to carry big boxes all by themselves, and sometimes more than one at a time, while I'd struggled.

  I was having serious doubts about how I was going to be of any use in Hell at all actually after seeing just how powerful demons were up close and personal.

  *~*~*

  The Department of Souls was just as boring as I'd privately suspected. I was given a desk with a little plexiglass window and a thin slot between it and the desk. There were desks on either side of me, and I was in the middle of the little group of three. In all honesty, an office in Hell wasn’t all that different from an office anywhere else.

  "Please let Balthazar know we'll treat his stepson very well. You'll be perfectly safe here," my new boss, Clive, told me. His skin was bright red and he had short feathers curling over his tail. He didn't have horns, but he did have crests over his forehead.

  "Safe?" I repeated.

  He nodded emphatically. "Perfectly safe. No one will harm you here."

  It didn't surprise me that Balthazar wanted me in the safest, dullest job he could have possibly put me into. It just bugged me that he'd not only gotten me the job but had also pushed his weight, or whatever, around to get me into a place where no one would bother the little human in their midst. It annoyed me. I wasn't a child, and I could have done more, but this was also Hell, and I was probably better off just staying in our new house instead of walking around on my own. I'd already noticed plenty of strange looks.

  I didn't even have much to do there. I thought it would be like the DMV back up with the humans, and it was with the talking and the stamping pages, but really I was bored out of my mind. People came into my line, I looked at the papers they gave me, I put them into a machine that scanned them, and then the machine told them to either go down the hallway to the left or the right. The line was never ending, and every person was just a shadowy blob. The only thing physical about them were the papers they gave me, and those were all written in a language I didn't understand.

  "So you're the new guy."

  I turned at the man's voice and had to force my mouth not to drop open when the super cute demon who lived behind us sat down in the chair beside mine. "Uh..."

  "Azrael," he introduced himself, offering me his clawed hand.

  I just continued to stare at him. "You're Azrael?"

  He laughed a bit and rolled his dark eyes. "I'm not that Azrael. A lot of us are named after the greats down here in Hell. But your stepdad, he's the original Balthazar. I've been told to be careful around you and not upset the human. Apparently your kind is fragile and easily frightened."

  The next shadowy figure at the front of my line pushed their papers at me. They made sure to rattle them a bit too, since I wasn't paying any attention. I glanced from Azrael to the figure and took their papers. I scanned them, stamped them, then pointed to the left like my computer told me.

  I was annoyed at Balthazar for deciding that for me. I didn't need protecting, and I didn't need this super safe job either. I groaned and ran my hands over my face.

  The next person in my line was just as impatient as the last. They shook the papers in front of me. I scanned them, stamped them, and sent the shadowy figure away.

  Azrael turned and started doing his job too, which was the same as mine. The lines forming in front of us seemed to be never ending. "I'm surprised you're so at ease with your job. Usually takes people a while to get into it."

  I had no idea why that would be. "All I'm doing is scanning and stamping. What's so hard about it?"

  "Left is Hell, right is Heaven. For them, they're in Purgatory. Didn't you ask what the hallways were?" Azrael sounded like he was trying hard not to laugh at me.

  But I was just stuck staring at the shadow in front of me. I was about to hand them some horrible news, and I'd done it to about thirty people already. I took their paper, and I scanned it and stamped it like I'd been doing all morning, and this time I looked. Left. I didn't want to hand it back to them, but I had to. It was my job. And maybe they'd done something horrible in their life that would make them go that way.

  "I'm sorry," I told the shadow, and I swear I thought I heard it whimper a little like it was about to cry. But the shadow was quickly pushed out of the way as another one took its place in front of me.

  "Don't be sorry," Azrael told me.

  I didn't understand how he could be so callous. "We're sending people to be tortured for all eternity."

  Azrael snorted. "Even though you can't see what they've done, I can. It's part of being a demon. Believe me, every single human that's going to the punishing part of Hell actually deserves to be here. It's not like the old days when they went to Hell for stupid shit—these are all big deal crimes."

  His explanation made me feel a little better. At least I didn't apologize to anyone anymore. If they really deserved to go to Hell, then I guessed that was where they belonged, and there wasn’t a lot more I could do about it.

  *~*~*

  Lunch was an hour later, and I hadn't brought anything. I didn't know what kind of currency Hell used, but as I was getting up, our boss came up to me and handed me a credit card with my name on it. "From your stepdad," he explained.

  "Uh. Okay. Thanks." I shoved it into my pocket.

  "There's a kabob place down the street," Azrael said as he wrapped his arm in mine. I thought it was weird that he just assumed I was going with him. But I was hungry, and I didn't know anyone but him really, so I went along with him. I didn't even try to pull my arm out of his hold. I figured he was just a friendly touchy kind of demon, if those even existed.

  He was laughing as he took my hand and let me down to the kabob place. We sat side-by-side at a booth and I stared at the menu that was in a language I didn't recognize. "Uh... What does any of this say?" I looked away from the menu to see that most of the restaurant was staring at me. As soon as I looked at them though, they quickly turned away from me and pretended there hadn't been any interruption in their conversations. "I guess being human makes me a bit of a weirdo here."

  Azrael smiled at me. "Yeah, I guess so."

  I turned to look at him and pulled my knee up under me. I was far more comfortable that way. "What about you? Do you think I'm weird?"

  His little smile turned into a wide grin. "Are you asking me as a coworker?"

  "Maybe. Maybe as a friend too. If you wanted to be."

  Azrael leaned toward me. "Friend, yes, I can see that happening. But how about more?"

  "More?" I repeated him.

  "Yeah. How about a date? I'll show you some of the fun parts of Hell. Not where we go to torture the souls or anything like that, but we do have other restaurants here. We could get more to eat than just kabobs."

  "Sure. When were you thinking?"

  "I'm free tonight."

  Since we'd just moved here, I was too. "Sounds good."

  He leaned over and kissed me on my cheek, then on my lips when I turned to look at him again. He was a strange guy—by human standards, but maybe not by demon ones.

  *~*~*

  That night, after a dinner of hot wings, Azrael took my hand and we walked through the town of crooked houses and broken cobblestone streets. I liked him. I'd just met him, but I did like him. He smiled at me, and I even liked his fangs. He was cute. Two months ago I wouldn’t have even considered dating a demon, but now here I was. He was different and a little strange and that kind of worked for me.

  We were in front of my stepdad's house when he gave my hand a little tug, sending me off balance and crashing into him. I laughed and tried to recover myself and then he kissed me. The kiss itself surprised me, but I was also surprised that I didn't mind his fangs on my lips. They were kind of nice. My cheeks were burning
when I pulled back.

  "Do you want to come inside?" I offered him. "You could... uh... you could meet my stepdad and my mom."

  "Balthazar?" he laughed. "I've met him before. He's terrifying. I'm surprised you don't think so."

  He was nice to my mom and me. I had no reason to be afraid of him, but I wasn’t going to pressure Azrael if he didn’t feel comfortable. "Well, you could still come in or something."

  Azreal shrugged. "Let him know you had fun, please. Even if you didn't love every minute of being out with me, I could use a bit of a boost at work and a good word from Balthazar would go a long way towards that."

  "Why would me having fun be good for you at work?" I really had no idea what he was talking about.

  Azreal looked at me like I was probably the dumbest creature he’d ever met. "Your stepdad is important around here. His opinion matters to a lot of demons." He spoke slowly, as if I was stupid.

  Suddenly I understood, and I hated it. And him. "This really wasn't a date at all, was it?"

  "Like a romantic one? No." He laughed. "You're human. I'm a demon. We don't mix. Just put in a good word for me with your stepdad or whatever and we'll be all good."

  I didn't say another word. I just hurried inside, where my mom was waiting and Balthazar was ready to give me a hug, and I shook my head at both of them.

  "Oh, baby, what happened?" my mom asked me as she came over and put her arms around me.

  "He just wanted to get a promotion or some crap and thought being nice to me would do it. Asked me to put in a good word with you," I told Balthazar.

  He let out this really low growl, something I'd never heard from him before, and it left me staring at him. "Uh..."

  "You two, stay here for just a minute. I'll be right back."

  He stormed out, the house shaking in his wake. Yet I wasn't scared as I left my mom's arms and went to the window. I wasn't sorry for Azreal either as Balthazar started yelling at him. He'd lied to me and used me. I was smiling as Balthazar blasted him with fire, sending him back a good five feet across the broken cobblestones.