My Summers With Benny Read online

  Of course I hadn’t thought of it like that. And he was making a lot of sense. “So I can only get it from unprotected sex. Right?”

  Benny straightened up a bit and held out his hand toward me as he began counting down on his fingers. “Unprotected sex, sharing needles, my blood getting into your cuts or something like that, and unsafe tattoo practices, which also falls under sharing needles for me. But I won’t ever be getting a tattoo, since I can’t, so that’s where that goes. We can kiss all the time unless I have an open cut in my mouth, but when it comes to sex stuff, any of it, we have to be careful. I don’t want you getting sick, too.”

  I came around the island and hugged him. He still felt far too skinny in my arms. I’d gained some weight and some muscle, but not enough that it should have made him feel like he was about to break apart against me. “Why are you losing so much weight?”

  “It’s the HIV. When I get sick from a cold or something, I lose weight. I always have. As soon as I beat this cold, I’ll be fine again. Until then I get to eat as many sweets and fried foods as I want.”

  That made sense. I kept hugging him, refusing to let go of him at all, because I didn’t want him to be sick. I didn’t want him to have HIV and I never wanted him to get AIDS. But that wasn’t something I could fix. I leaned back just enough to gently kiss his lips before I’d even thought about what I was doing. I started to pull away, to apologize, but then he was kissing me back. He was just as soft as I was. Maybe he was just as scared at losing me as I was of losing him.

  Chapter Four

  Two Summers Ago

  Mom never wanted me back, so I was there waiting for Benny when he and his Aunt Emma came home. I’d offered to come pick him up from the airport with her. Or to drive my dad’s Jeep up to Denver International on my own and save her the trip. It was mostly highway driving and I was much better at highways than I was on city streets, despite what my speeding ticket would say about that.

  Benny ran to me and gave me a tight hug as soon as his Aunt Emma had stopped the car. She hadn’t even turned it off yet before he was back in my arms. I couldn’t help but notice how thin he was, but I didn’t mention it since his Aunt Emma had seemed so upset when I’d said something about it the summer before. I hoped Benny was just going through a growth spurt or something, but he wasn’t any taller, despite how much I’d grown. Now he only came up to my shoulder. But he was still so skinny.

  “I missed you so much,” he said.

  I nodded and turned my head to kiss his cheek. His Aunt Emma was watching us, but I ignored her for a little while so that I could just keep holding him for a little bit. “I missed you, too. I didn’t date anyone else.” I wanted him to know that I was his, even when he was living in Florida with his mom.

  He gripped me just a little tighter, to the point where I was barely able to breathe. But I didn’t mind. “I didn’t even look at anybody else. I walked around blind the whole year.”

  I laughed and rested my chin on his shoulder as I closed my eyes. He shivered, despite the ninety degree heat. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Just stupid airplane cold. You know? It just feels awful to be in a plane for so long.”

  I’d only been on a plane twice and I didn’t really remember it, so I really didn’t have any idea what he was talking about. But I nodded like I did. His aunt waved to me. How we were standing, I was able to see her, but he couldn’t.

  Dad was gone to a movie marathon at his friend’s house and I’d been home alone most of the day. I’d been mowing the lawn, which was one of my chores now that I was seventeen and wanted a car. Mom had never made me work for my allowance, but Dad wasn’t like her. And in some of the best ways I was glad about that because she still didn’t let me come over without him. Sometimes we went to brunch together on Sundays with my dad, but it was always the three of us and never just Mom and I. I tried to understand, but generally I just thought it was crap. I’d tried telling her about Benny. I’d even taken my phone out to show her how cute he was, but she had gotten really upset so I stopped.

  “Benny! At least bring your suitcase up to your room before you disappear for the summer with Alex!” his Aunt Emma called to him. We both laughed.

  “See you in a bit?”

  I nodded. “I gotta finish the yard anyway. I hate mowing, but I like money.”

  He pulled back and gave me a grin. He had bags under his eyes, but by now I was used to how skinny he was. It didn’t make it easier to feel sharp bones under my hands when I hugged him, but I was less shocked by it now at least.

  “You’ve got an hour!” Benny said as he darted away from me. One hour for him to get his stuff put away, spend a little time with his aunt, and for me to finish the lawn and get a shower because with him over I didn’t want to smell as bad as I did right then.

  I finished the mowing in a hurry, but I was meticulous about it since I didn’t want my dad to know that I’d rushed through it and have him make me do it again because I’d missed a spot or something like that. Then I jumped in the shower.

  I was dressed, but with my t-shirt sticking to my damp back and my hair soaking wet when Benny knocked on the front door. He laughed when he saw me. “Someone was in a hurry.”

  “Yeah, ‘cause I missed you.” We hugged again as I let him into the house. At this point, he probably should have had a key since he was over so much anyway. “Want to watch TV?”

  “I’d rather make out on your bed.”

  I shook my head and grinned after him as he started up the stairs to my room. I loved that he always seemed to know what he wanted and that there was never a question in his mind of whether or not I would want to do that, too.

  He was already laying on his back in the middle of my bed when I got up there. He had a magazine in his hands, one of mine about science and technology. “Robots who can imitate human emotions enough to fool someone who can’t see them? Sounds kind of crazy.”

  I hopped up on the bed next to him. “Yeah it is. Like there could be someone on the other end of a call when you call into tech support and you’d never even know that you weren’t actually talking to a person. It’s trippy.”

  He put the magazine aside to turn all of his attention on me. He didn’t toss it either. Just laid it on the nightstand where I’d had it since last night. My bookmark was even still in it, right where I’d left it. Whenever we made out, we both got really hot so I stripped off my shirt. Then I caught him looking at me. “You got some hair.” He reached out to touch my chest and I let him touch me for a few seconds until he started yanking on the short hairs I’d grown in the year since I’d seen him.

  “Ow!” I batted his hand away.

  He laughed and shucked off his shirt, too. And I tried not to stare, but for a completely different reason. I could see some of his ribs now. “Benny...” I whispered, reaching out to run my fingertips over those protruding bones.

  He covered his hand with mine. “It’ll be okay,” he promised me. “A few months here on my aunt’s casseroles and cookies and I’ll be a lot better. You’ll see.”

  I needed him to gain weight because I knew he would be stronger if he was at a healthier weight. But I also knew that it was hard for him to keep weight on once he left Colorado. “Your aunt has to get custody of you. She just has to. What’s your mom’s excuse now of why she can’t let you live here full time?” I was so angry, but I was trying not to let it show. At least I hoped that I wasn’t.

  “She’s trying to show her new boyfriend what a good mom she can be.”

  I hated that and I hated her for doing that to him. “By not giving you enough care or enough to eat? Benny—” He sat up and cut me off with a gentle kiss. There was no arguing with him. He loved his mom too much for that. But I only wanted to see him happy and healthy. I couldn’t see him this skinny again. I cared about him too much for that.

  We laid down with him on top of me and between my legs. I wrapped my ankles around his, locking him into place, as I laid my hands over his back and shoulders. I was bigger than him by a lot, at least sixty pounds if I had to guess, and this way I wouldn’t squish him with my weight.

  I wasn’t all muscle, but a lot of me was. Dad said I looked like I was trying to be a linebacker. But what I wanted to be was a scientist, one that worked on a cure for HIV. Not because I wanted to help out the millions of people infected, but because I wanted to save the one person I cared about more than anyone else on this planet. I hadn’t told anyone that though.

  We were always gentle when we kissed. I didn’t want to rush and he just seemed to be lazy about it. He always knew exactly what he wanted so I didn’t even bother to question him. Not until he brought a condom out of his back pocket and tapped me on the side of my head with it.

  “Huh?” I asked him as he sat up over my hips to give me some room to see what he was trying to get my attention with.

  “It’s time.” He sounded so decisive, as if he was going into battle or something instead of proposing that we have sex for the first time.

  I just stared up at him. “Benny...”

  He copied my voice. “Alex...”

  That made me laugh. I wanted to touch him, but now that he wasn’t laying on me, I wasn’t sure where to put my hands. He had no trouble laying his free hand on my stomach as he kept tapping the condom against my cheek like he was trying to find a beat. I ended up resting my hands on his knees.

  “I don’t know about this...”

  He sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes. “I do. But I’m not going to argue with you if you’re not interested. Seriously, you’re not ready, we don’t. You know I like kissing you and I’m not going anywhere. You’ve got all summer with me and I’ll still want to tomorrow. But I figured while your dad’s out we could do this and not have to rush or anything.”

  I hated when he made so much sense. And really, what was I waiting for? I’d known him for years. He was my best friend. I didn’t have to be afraid of anything with him. I didn’t have to worry about what he’d think of me or feel self-conscious about how I looked like I did when I had to change for gym. He was Benny and I would have done anything for him. I slowly nodded and took the condom from him. He grinned like he’d just won the lottery. Or like they’d found a cure for his disease.

  We were careful, which was probably the second most important thing to remember to me. But Benny would have said that being careful was the only thing to remember. What was most important to me though was going slow with him. I touched him all over. I closed my eyes and felt every soft bit of his skin and I kissed every one of the freckles that covered his shoulders and his collarbones. He was beautiful, though he was so frail, and when I felt his thin hips, I wanted to hold him so close, but I was also afraid of breaking him because he was far too thin.

  “You have to eat chocolate cake for dinner,” I told him.

  He laughed. “You worry too much.” He pulled me down for a kiss and that was the end of it.

  Being with Benny was like knowing where I was supposed to be for the first time in my life. Like I went to school, I came home, I waited a horribly long nine months to get him back and everything in my life was about when I get to see him again, but when we were together that afternoon in my bed, it was like everything slowed down and I was exactly where I needed to be and I was in that moment with him.

  We lost track of time and we kissed for hours. When we were done, we touched each other all over. I found all of his freckles and every one of his little scars. I kissed the one on his leg from the first time we’d gone camping together. It was long since healed over and now it was just a pale white line along with all the other pale lines on his body.

  We lay there with his head on my chest and his body half over mine. My arm was around his shoulders and I kept touching his hair. It was long enough to pull back now as it brushed the top of his shoulders. “Thank you,” he told me. His voice was quiet. It was the first time we’d really said anything since we’d started.

  I smiled down at him. “You’re welcome.”

  “I thought I’d never have anyone that wasn’t too afraid to be with me. I figured I’d date someone, eventually, but I figured sex would always be off the table.”

  He sounded so sad saying that and I hugged him as tightly as I dared. “I’m not afraid of you, or what’s inside of you. We’ll always be careful and I plan to be around for a long time with you.”

  That got me another kiss.

  When my dad came home hours later, we were on the couch eating toffee brownie ice cream out of the carton and watching a reality show about city people coming out to the country to learn how to make their own food and build their own cabins. I couldn’t do it. I liked going to a grocery store for a gallon of milk and not having to get up at four in the morning to go milk some cows that were more than likely going to step on me or try to kick me.

  “Hey, boys,” Dad said. I was sure that he could tell what we’d done and I tried not to blush. Benny didn’t even seem embarrassed with his head on my lap and his ankles over the side of the couch.

  “Hi, Dad,” I called to him as he went into the kitchen.

  “Hey!” Benny yelled, which made my dad laugh.

  He was back into the living room a few minutes later with a piece of cold pizza left over from the one I’d ordered us for dinner. Dad left a credit card for me to get dinner whenever he went out to visit his friend.

  “Alex, there’s something I need to tell you,” Dad began.

  Benny turned off the TV and we both looked over at my dad. I was scared. Had something happened to my mom? Was he sick, too? I grabbed Benny’s hand and held it tightly.

  “The friend I’ve been spending so much time with lately, it’s a woman. Her name is Angie. I think I’d like you to meet her.”

  I was so relieved I was laughing before I even realizing what I was doing. “Oh thank God.”

  Dad looked like I’d lost my mind. But Benny got it. He was grinning up at me and I knew he understood why I was laughing. I let him explain it to my dad. “He was scared it was something horrible.”

  My dad seemed to instantly understand, too, as his eyes got big. “No! No. Nothing horrible. Sorry. No, it’s just that this is a big deal and I wasn’t sure how you were going to take me dating again. There hasn’t been anyone serious since your mom and I think Angie could be someone special for me.”

  I shrugged and gave him a smile. “Cool.”

  “She okay with him being gay?” Benny asked for me. I hadn’t even thought of that.

  But my dad just nodded. “I wouldn’t bring her into our lives if she wasn’t.”

  “And about him having a boyfriend?”

  Dad laughed. “Yes, Benny, she wants to meet both of you sometime. I said when you were both ready we could. I know you two are a package deal and she knows I come with a kid I adore.”

  Benny let go of my hand to bat at my chin. I pushed his hands away. He’d pulled on my chest hairs already. I wasn’t going to risk him getting a hold of the stubble I was trying to grow on my chin. “Whenever’s good for you works for us,” I told my dad. “Can we go have dinner with her sometime?”

  “Somewhere that has mac n cheese with bacon in it?” Benny added.

  “And chocolate cake. This one needs fattening up.” I poked Benny’s belly to prove my point and he laughed and rolled onto his side to protect himself before I could tickle him.

  Dad just stared at us. “You two are amazing. You know that right?” He came over and kissed the top of my head, then ruffled Benny’s long hair. “Thank you. Both of you.”

  I had no idea why he was thanking us, but I didn’t mind getting told how amazing I was in the least.

  Chapter Five

  This Summer

  I couldn’t wait to show off my Jeep to Benny when he pulled up with his aunt. It was technically my dad’s old Jeep, and he had a new one, but now it was mine and I’d just had it detailed and I couldn’t wait to take him out in it. I was eighteen, I’d gotten accepted into CSU in the fall. I hadn’t done great in high school, but I’d done enough. And the best part was, I had all summer to look forward to with Benny.

  I went over to him and pulled him into my arms for a tight hug as soon as he was out of the car. For once he didn’t feel like bones in my arms.

  “You get a football career yet? Damn! You need to stop growing,” he mumbled against my chest.

  I laughed. “No football for me. Not ever. I don’t have the coordination. But I am going to CSU for biology actually.”

  “Nice. I missed you.”

  I kissed the top of his head. “I missed you more.”

  “Boys!” His Aunt Emma stood there shaking her head at us. She was smiling though so I knew we weren’t in trouble or anything. I did kind of wonder at the six suitcases she was pulling out of her car though.

  “Uh...”

  Benny turned to look where I was, then grinned up at me. “Aunt Emma got full custody of me. I’m all yours now.”

  “Holy shit!”

  “Alex!”

  I blushed and smiled over at his aunt. “Sorry!”

  She tsked and started carrying the first of the suitcases inside. I should have helped. Or at least Benny should have. But he jumped up and I caught him with my hands under his thighs. He kissed me and I loved the way his long hair fell over my face.

  “Marry me,” he said against my lips, surprising the crap out of me enough that I nearly dropped him on his butt.

  “Not yet,” I whispered back to him. My heart was racing in my chest and I was freaking out. But deep down in my soul I knew that my answer would never be a no. It just wasn’t going to happen right that moment. We were eighteen. But I’d known him for four years already. We were too young. But really, it wasn’t as if we’d just started dating either. I didn’t have a job that paid enough that we could really move in together and I was starting school in the fall. Those were reasonable excuses of why we had to wait to get married. “Go to CSU with me. We’ll get into the married people dorms.”