My Summers With Benny Read online

  Okay. That explained the look he was giving me and why he wouldn’t let me touch his leg. “So... can I help you back to the tents at least? That might be hard to walk on.”

  He nodded and let me bring him back up to his feet. Together we hobbled back to where my dad was still laying out on his sleeping bag in the middle of the dirt circle that was our campsite. He got up in a hurry when he saw us coming toward him though.

  “Oh no. What happened to your leg, Benny?” He took Benny from me and I went to his backpack where I’d seen him toss his first aid kit. Dad sat Benny down and I came back and knelt next to him.

  “I was running and tripped on some loose rocks.”

  He grabbed my hands though before I could start patching him up with some gauze. “I can do it or you can wear the gloves. Really though, I can put a bandage on myself. It’s not that big of a deal.”

  He was right, and I shouldn’t have been trying to patch him up. I’d taken a first aid class and I knew what I was doing, but he was capable of doing it himself, too. It wasn’t like the cut was all that deep either and it had long since stopped bleeding. I just wanted to help him. It was like I was always worried about him. I’d noticed it while we’d been apart, but now that it was the summer and I got to see him every day again, that feeling was much stronger.

  Benny took the first aid kit and had himself fixed up in no time. A bit of water to wash off his cut and he had himself bandaged up right away. “Sorry I scared you,” he said.

  I shrugged. “I shouldn’t have been. I mean, we’re camping. I get cut up lots out here. I’ve even broken my arm down here jumping out of a high tree branch.”

  Benny smiled at me. “I’m not dying today though. You can relax. You’ll get lots of summers with me. If you want them.”

  And that was the heart of it. I’d learned that he’d probably get AIDS and I’d been so scared. And then he’d been hurt and I’d just wanted to rescue him. I scooted closer to him across the dirt and hugged him. He hugged me as tightly as he could and I smiled into his shoulder.

  That night, with the dying embers of the fire behind us, Benny and I laid out on our sleeping bags. It was still really warm, probably in the seventies, but I figured that it would get colder at some point in the night and then we’d have to go into my tent for the night to stay warm. While it was nice out though, I was enjoying being out in the open with just the sky around us.

  The stars were huge, and there were so many of them I couldn’t believe it. We’d been camping in that exact spot so many times I probably should have remembered how they looked, but it was always a shock to me to come back up to the mountains and see them again. Without the lights from the cities around to mess with the view, I could see millions of them above us.

  “That’s Libra,” Benny said as he lifted his hand and pointed up to a constellation only he could pick out from all the others stars. “It’s really faint, but it looks like scales.”

  I tried looking where he was pointing, but I wasn’t seeing anything. “I’m missing it.”

  Benny just looked over at me and smiled. “It’s kind of hard to see. If I had my telescope, I’d really be able to show you. Next time I’ll remember to bring it.”

  “Cool.”

  He turned onto his side, apparently ignoring the stars for a moment. “Thanks for inviting me out here with you. I’m really glad you did.”

  I moved onto my side so that I was facing him, too. “I’m glad you could come out here. I mean, I love my dad, but I was really going to miss you if I didn’t get to see you all weekend.”

  Even in the near darkness with just the dying fire to guide us, I could still see him blushing at my words. He reached over, offering me his hand, and I took it as I smiled back at him.

  Chapter Three

  Three Summers Ago

  When I was sixteen I got my license so Dad let me drive to his place. Only, this time I wasn’t going to be going back to see my mom again. Because I’d come out to her at the end of sophomore year and she’d said I should go live with my dad.

  “You okay? You’re really quiet,” Dad said as I pulled into his driveway. It was late and school had only been out for a few hours. Dad had taken a half day to come get me from my mom’s. I could see Benny’s light on in his bedroom.

  I nodded as I leaned over the steering wheel. “Yeah. I’m fine. Just kind of shocked. I guess it was okay that I was bi because Mom could still pretend I was straight and that she’d get grandkids and stuff. That’s what I’m guessing anyway. But then I came home today and told her I was definitely gay and that’s not okay with her. It just kind of really sucks. Like I knew I was mostly into guys when I came out to you two anyway, but I didn’t know for sure I was only into them until this year.”

  “She doesn’t hate you though. You know that right, Alex? It’s that she’s confused and needs a break right now. You’re still her son, too. She still loves you. She just thinks some time apart would be better for you both.” He rubbed my back and I nodded like I understood—even though I didn’t. “Do you want to go see Benny? You normally don’t get this much extra time with him. I’ve got you a full two weeks earlier than I normally do.”

  I definitely wanted to see Benny, but not right then. At that very moment I wanted to put on my sleep pants, grab a big glass of the chocolate milk Dad always kept in his fridge, and watch a movie with him. “I’ll see Benny tomorrow. Can we just watch a movie tonight?”

  Dad smiled at me and I knew he was happy to have me there. Maybe Mom would change her mind at some point, but I hadn’t ever lied to her like she said I had by saying I was bi when I was really gay. I hadn’t meant to be so confusing. I just hadn’t yet known myself who I was or what I wanted. And now I did and she needed to come to terms with it.

  “Sure thing. Let’s grab your stuff and get inside the house.”

  That night, at close to midnight, I saw that Benny was still up. His lights were on in his room, which faced my bedroom window, and his window was open. I slid mine open, too. “Hey!” I called over to him, despite the neighbors that were probably trying to sleep.

  He came over to the window and waved to me. “Hey. You’re here like way early. I saw you pull in. You okay?”

  I shrugged and leaned out of my window toward him. “I’m not great, but I’m doing better than I was this afternoon. I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. I promise. Why are you still up?”

  “Not feeling one hundred percent. It’s like I’ve got the flu or something. Aunt Emma’s taking me to the doctor tomorrow.”

  Even from ten feet away I could hear the worry in his voice, despite the smile he was trying to lie to me with. “I don’t want you to be sick.”

  He laughed. “I don’t want to be sick either, but that’s where I’m at. Maybe you could come over tomorrow afternoon when I get back from the appointment?”

  I nodded and wished that I could have gone over to see him right then, but I wasn’t allowed out this late. “Yeah. For sure. I’ll bring you some chicken soup or something.” Though, I really wasn’t sure if we had any in the house.

  Benny smiled at me and it was a real one this time, not a lie like his previous one had been. “I’ll let you know when I’m back. And I’m glad you’re here early. Means we get more weeks together before we have to say goodbye again.”

  “Exactly! Night?” I always hated saying goodbye to him. Even if it was just for the night like this time was.

  “Night.” He closed his window and gave me a wave before I saw him walk away from where I could see into his room. I went to bed shortly after, but I didn’t fall asleep right away. I was too worried about Benny being sick to do much more than toss and turn all night.

  The next evening I was waiting out front for him to come home. It was slightly stalker-ish to be sitting there on my dad’s front steps while waiting for him. As soon as his aunt pulled into their driveway, I was on my feet and heading over there.

  “You
look worried,” Benny said as soon as he’d opened his door and I was right there looking down at him. He was a bit paler than I remembered him being. And he’d lost some weight. He didn’t have the extra to lose to begin with. He got out of the car and we were instantly hugging. “I’m okay,” he reassured me. “Just a bad bug. It’s not worse. I promise.”

  Holding him, I could almost believe him. But hugging him meant that I got to feel how thin he really was now and I didn’t like it one bit. “You’re skinny.”

  “I’ve always been thin.”

  I looked over to his Aunt Emma and, as much as Benny wanted to deny that something was wrong, she couldn’t. And I saw how upset she was. But she came over and rubbed my shoulder. “He’s going to be just fine, Alex. Because of his illness, when he gets sick, it’s worse for him than it is for other people. That’s all this is.”

  “He’s lost weight.” I didn’t mean to make it sound like an accusation, but I was pretty sure she took it like that since she stepped back and stopped touching me like I’d hurt her somehow.

  Benny kissed my cheek as he let go of me. And since it had been so long since we’d seen each other, and since I’d been so worried, I ignored the intimate contact and passed it off as just an emotional reaction to what he was going through. “I’m okay,” he repeated as if that would somehow make me believe him more if he said it often enough.

  I slowly nodded. “Deal.” I didn’t believe him. But if he said he was fine, then really there was nothing else that I could do. “Can you hang out tonight?”

  His Aunt Emma answered for him. “As long as he takes it easy, sure.”

  He put his hand in mine and pulled me toward his house. But then we changed direction and went into my dad’s house instead. “Your dad still have loads of chocolate milk?”

  “Of course.” If he wanted the super-rich treat, then maybe he really was feeling okay. After so many summers of knowing each other, he was at home in my dad’s kitchen as much as I was. He poured us both a big glass of chocolate milk.

  “We could have shared,” I told him.

  Benny shrugged and shot me a grin. “Maybe I didn’t want to share with you. Maybe I want my own. Since you drink more than half and all.”

  I laughed and followed him into the living room where my dad was watching TV.

  “Hi,” Benny said as we got comfortable on the smaller couch beside the one my dad was on.

  “Hey, Benny.”

  We sat together and got comfortable with his head on my shoulder. I saw my dad look over at me and he raised an eyebrow, but I just smiled at him. I didn’t care that Benny had his head on my shoulder. Or that he put his hand in mine. I ran my thumb over the back of his hand without even meaning to at first. By the time I realized what I was doing, it would have looked weird to stop. I liked Benny and I didn’t want him to get upset or think something had changed between us if I’d pulled away for any reason. So I didn’t. I kept running my thumb over his hand, only now I was aware of what I was doing.

  “When are you getting your license?” I asked him.

  He shrugged. “Maybe next year. It’s not a big deal to me. Aunt Emma can’t afford to get me a car and she needs hers to always be available in case she has to come in for when people call out. Did you get yours?”

  “Yeah. It’s fun. I don’t have a car either though or else we could go driving together.” He nodded against my shoulder and I looked over at him to see him getting sleepy. “I might be living here after the summer ends. Mom doesn’t want me living with her right now.”

  “It’s probably only temporary,” my dad spoke up.

  But now Benny was looking up at me. “Really? Why?”

  “I told her I was gay,” I told him.

  His eyes got wide, then he cuddled even closer against my side. “Got a boyfriend yet?”

  I let go of his hand to put my arm around him. I didn’t expect Benny to lay down, but he did, putting his head on my thigh and shifting onto his side. I looked over at my dad to see him trying to hide his smile as he looked back at us.

  “No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” I told Benny.

  I saw him smile even though he wasn’t looking at me. He was pretending to be focused on the sitcom my dad had been watching before we’d come in to join him in the living room. “Are you taking applications or do you have an interview process already lined up?”

  I laughed and rubbed his shoulder. He winced and I pulled up his sleeve to see a Band-Aid on his upper arm. “I got a shot at the hospital,” he explained. I fixed his shirt and became much more gentle with my touches to that area. “So...” he said, reminding me that he’d asked me a question. As if I could forget.

  “You want the position?” I held my breath, not even sure what I wanted him to say. I really cared about Benny, but I’d never dated anyone and I didn’t want to risk our friendship to be able to have him as my boyfriend. At the same time though I realized that when I thought about dating someone and what that might be like, I pictured the hours I’d been with Benny, most of it spent with his hand in mine.

  “Sure.” He turned over and pawed at my chin like a cat would and I laughed as I batted his hands away. I laid my hand over his chest and looked over at my dad, waiting for his reaction, but he was just smiling at us.

  I wasn’t sure if he knew that Benny was my first relationship and not just my first boyfriend. But it didn’t really matter to me actually. And Benny was so special to me that I was glad the first person I had dated turned out to be Benny. “Congrats. You boys want to go out for ice cream to celebrate?” my dad asked us.

  “I’m always up for ice cream.”

  Benny just grinned. “Me, too. Let’s go.”

  On the way back from ice cream, Dad stopped at the grocery store and pulled me aside as Benny went to check out the magazines. “We need to do some shopping for you, now that you’ve got a boyfriend,” he told me as Benny disappeared down another aisle. Whatever my dad was hinting at, I was pretty sure I would have much rather been with Benny instead. I didn’t like surprises, especially not cryptic ones.

  But then Dad led me to the condom aisle and my face went bright red. “Dad!” I hissed at him in embarrassment.

  “What?” He looked completely clueless as to why I was freaking out. “You need these. I’m serious, Alex. Eventually you and Benny will want to have sex and because of things beyond either of your control, you need to always be protected. Always. Absolutely no exceptions. So I’m making sure that you get some now and in the future, you can get some of your own. Or if you’re too embarrassed I’ll get you some more. Really I don’t care that you’ll be having sex. I like Benny and I think you two make a great couple. But I do care about your safety so please don’t argue with me on this and never, ever forget to use them when you two are together.”

  “Oh God,” I groaned as he bent down and picked out a box. I didn’t even care what he grabbed as long as we could check out before Benny saw that my dad had bought us condoms. And I hadn’t even kissed Benny yet either. We were at the holding hands stage and completely fine right there. I loved my dad, but this was craziness. I knew where he was coming from though and I could see his point. It was just way too early for this. “Are we done? Can we go now?”

  He straightened back up and grabbed a little bottle of clear liquid from the shelf above the condoms. “Now we can. You’ll need this, too.” He handed the box of condoms to me, along with a little bottle I found out was lube and I practically ran to the checkout counter before anyone could see me get them. I was done paying and had the stuff bagged up before my dad and Benny came to get me where I was practically bouncing in my nervousness in front of the big glass grocery store windows.

  “What’s wrong with you?” Benny asked me when he’d gotten done paying for his latest astronomy magazine.

  “N-nothing.”

  Dad laughed and I wanted to go hide in the car for a while. Benny just shrugged and we went back to the
Jeep. But when we got back to my dad’s house, he just dropped us off. “I’m going to go to a movie for a while. You two have fun and be safe.”

  He gave me a wink and I wanted to throw up my hands and tell him how crazy he was and how Benny and I were not having sex, but I didn’t. Probably because I felt a little crazy in that moment, too. “See you later,” I said as I got out of the Jeep.

  “Bye!” Benny said as he ran for the front door. I had my keys so getting in wasn’t a big deal and I waved to my dad as he drove off.

  “Okay, seriously, what was that about?” Benny asked me once we were alone.

  I emptied my plastic grocery bag out on the kitchen island so that he could see what my dad had insisted I buy. Instead of being mortified like me, Benny just burst out laughing. Because he was just as crazy as my dad was. “Your dad is seriously the coolest dad ever. I mean, an hour ago we weren’t even dating and now he’s thinking ahead to us having sex and making sure we’re safe? That’s awesome.”

  When he put it like that, I could kind of see his point. “Yeah, he is pretty great. I’m not ready though.” I wanted to make sure he knew that.

  Benny rolled his eyes at me. “Uh huh. We haven’t even kissed. You think you’re getting into my pants without kissing me first? Nope!”

  He was so calm about this, so completely at ease that it made everything all better for me, too. Like since it wasn’t a big deal to him that we now had condoms on my dad’s kitchen island, it didn’t have to be this massive cataclysmic thing for me either. “How are you so okay with this?”

  Benny shrugged and leaned over the island toward me. “I grew up knowing that no matter who I eventually had sex with there would be condoms involved. I’ve got this virus inside of me that can really hurt the people I care about and I’ve been told ever since I was really young that I had to be careful all the time. There were plenty of daycares that refused to take me in case I got a scrape and bled on another kid. Or there were the ones that didn’t understand that HIV isn’t something you can get from me sneezing on a toy or something. I’m used to knowing that what’s inside of me is dangerous so these condoms, they don’t bother me. I’ve actually had some for years that my aunt brought me home back when she worked part time in a women’s clinic and they used to have them in a bowl on the counter. I’m more amazed at how cool your dad is.”