Marked by Grief Read online

  "I just came to tellyou—" Jason shook his head and placed a hand on the back of Kit's neck. Thankfully the younger man followed him without fuss to the private room Jason worked in. He helped him sit up on the chair and then leaned back against the counter.

  "Youcame to tellme what?" Kit quickly shrank back from him, his eyes focused on the floor as Jason's anger hit him. Jason took a breath, forcing himselfto calmdown. "You were missed," he said as he grabbed the rolling stool and took a seat. "Not by me, of course, but by the others in the shop."

  Kit gave him a little smile and Jason's heart swelled with pride at being able to tease that much from the man his mother claimed had become a permanent fixture in his own bedroom. He took a chance and rested his hand on the top of Kit's knee. The bones he felt through Kit's jeans had himmentally cursing, but he kept those thoughts to himself. Kit didn't need that kind of anger pressing on him right now. Danielle, Kit's mother, had said Kit needed gentle coaxing from him. Gentle love, she'd called it. Months ago she'd begged him to come visit Kit, told him how bad it was starting to get. But damn, he never thought the man would go this far into the hole. And he hated himself for not stepping up to help him out sooner. Honestly, he was scared. He didn't want to see Bear's home, his life. His brother. But that was all shit. He could see now how much Kit needed help and he was a damn coward for not comingto see him.

  "Look… I…." Shit. Jason didn't even know where to begin.

  "He killed himself. The man that murdered Bear," Kit whispered. As Jason watched, a shudder went through Kit's frame. Damn he was small. He'd always been shorter than Bear, but now he was damn near tiny. Jason shook his head and muttered a curse. It was allhis fault. "Did youhear me? That asshole fucking killed himself!"

  Kit's yell echoed off of the walls in the small shop. Jasonflinched at hearingsuchwords come froma mouth that, six months ago, had barely known how to curse. "You stop that shit right now. This is my shop and if you don't have enough respect for yourself, then at least respect me."

  His hand clenched into a fist at his side. He wanted to backhand him. He was close to it. Too close. He took a deep breath, cleansing the anger out of him. Or so Bear had always told him. Good in, bad out. Damn. Bear would know what to do. He always did.

  And thenKit's words sank in. "He what?"

  Kit stuck his chin out stubbornly. "Not repeating myself if you can't bother to listen to me the first goddamntime."

  Jason sat back and closed his eyes. For six months Kit's mom had been talking about how everything would be better once the man who killed her son was in prison. For those very long months Jason had listened to her praise a justice system that, in his eyes, failed more people than it helped. And then for the murderer to go and do this? "Fucking coward," he muttered darkly.

  "Damn straight," Kit said, his voice just as angry. "And whydo youget to sayit?"

  "Because I'molder."

  Jason fingered the gray bit of suede on his left wrist. The circle helped calmhim, thoughhe hadn't used that code at a gay club in months. His gaze flicked to Kit's wrists. Stupid as it was, he'd always wanted to tie the younger man. He'd thought about it plenty of nights and had often pictured Kit's face on the men he'd meet. None of them suited him. In those darkest of nights he wondered if Kit would struggle against the bindings. And most of allhe wondered if he would take the same pleasure frombeingtied as Jasonwould fromtyinghim.

  He took a breath and pulled himself out of the fantasy of being with Kit and back to the reality of the hurting man in front of him. "So… he killed himself?" Jason said, hating the way it sounded. That wasn't justice and his best friend deserved better. Hell, Kit deserved better.

  He watched as Kit nodded but his eyes were no longer focused on Jason. He turned to see what had caught his attention but quickly looked away. Though the tattoo was well done, that picture reminded him of things he wished not to dwellonright then.

  "It's a bear,"Kit said.

  Jason nodded. It was a grizzly. A black and white tattoo of a bear's face. It was artistic and tasteful, the bear lookingserene instead ofthe far more common angrybear tattoos people oftenrequested.

  "I want that. For Bear. And I want it now."

  Jason's gaze quickly shot up. "Whoa. Hold up. You've never gotten a tattoo. There's a thought process involved here. Tattoos are permanent."

  Kit gave him look. "Well, duh." His gaze travelled meaningfully over the full sleeves Jason covered with a long-sleeved shirt. He'd gotten more since the last time they'd all gone swimming, but Kit didn't know about those. He'd regretted a few of his first ones but those had long ago been blended into the larger picture on his back. He kept the important ones on his arms, where he could see themevery day and be reminded ofwhat theystood for.

  "If you won't do it, then I'll find someone else who will."

  Kit hopped offthe tattooing table. He got a few steps closer to the door before Jason hooked an arm around his narrow chest, lifting him off his feet and putting him back down on the table with a loud thud, the table shakingbeneaththem.

  Jason held him there for a moment, not moving as Kit panted wildly beneath him. He'd never handled him roughly before. In fact, he'd done his best to only touch him when absolutely necessary since Kit had turned eighteen and he'd fully realized his attraction to the younger man. He felt Kit shudder under his armand looked over to see himstaringwide-eyed back at him.

  "Sorry," Jason muttered as he forced himself to stand up, taking his weight off of Kit's chest. He watched as the man visibly swallowed and shifted away from him. Damn. He didn't want that look in the man's eyes. Kit was wary of himand Jason instantly felt guilty because ofit.

  "Your brother made me promise the only one who would ever put ink on you would be me. He knew I'd take care of you," Jason explained as he took his seat onthe stool.

  Kit slowly sat up and rubbed his chest where Jason had held him down. Jason's face pinched as another wave of guilt hit him hard. "I still want it. The bear, I mean. And…"He took a deep breath and went still. "You can do it." His gaze shifted, locking with Jason's. He'd never seen those brilliant green eyes so angry. "But you don't ever get to touch me like that again."

  Jason nodded, feeling like shit and deserving every ounce of it. He shouldn't have touched him, shouldn't have forced him and should definitely never have slammed him like he did. "Damn, Kit. I'm sorry. Won't ever happenagain. Swear."

  Kit nodded and looked away. His shoulders hunched and rounded as Jason got up and pulled a clipboard out of the cabinet. Jason slid it over to him, making sure it was near his fingertips on the table. "I need you to fill that out. Liability reasons. I'll give you a few minutes. Ifyou're stillhere when I get back, then I'll give you the tattoo. If you're not… well, I understand. And I'm sorry Kit. Again. You deserved better and you've gotten the shit end of life these past few months. You've got every right to be angry at me and the rest of the world right about now. Just, damn, eat something will you? You're walking bones." With that he quickly left the room, feeling as if he couldn't get out of there fast enough.

  Chapter 2

  Kit watched Jason from beneath hooded eyes and flinched when the door closed with a loud snick behind him. Months ago a tackle like that wouldn't have even fazed him. Now, though, his chest ached as if he'd been thrown without padding. And he supposed that's exactly what had happened. What the hell had that been? Jason had never really been affectionate with him, not like he'd been with Bear, but he'd never been violent either.

  He should leave. He should get off his ass, say a nice little "fuck you" to Jason, and never see the man again. But his gaze drifted to the bear. It was stupid but that bear reminded him of his brother. And not just in the name. Its face was calm and confident. Just like his brother had been. His favorite quote had been from Yoda—"do or do not, there is no try." Bear's love for Star Wars had always surprised the girls he'd dated, but Kit remembered the nights they'd spent watching the series and loudly debating the benefits of being a Sith until the
ir parents had come downstairs and told thembothto go to bed.

  Bear had loved Yoda's quote and life had been just that simple to him. He either did something or he didn't. He never made promises he couldn't keep and he didn't do anything half-assed. Damn, he missed his brother. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hooked his arms around his ankles. Bear would've decked Jason for handling him like that. Jason was bigger than his brother had been, and he seemed to have added even more muscle since the funeral but Kit was sure Bear would have won.

  The door cracked open and Jason poked his head around. "You're still here." He sounded surprised. Kit rolled his eyes. He didn't have it in him to leave. What little energy he'd started the day off with was quickly fading. And he wanted that tattoo. Bear had been right in making Jason promise to give him his tattoos one day. Jason was the best Kit knew, and he didn't think that just because he was in love with the man.

  Jason approached the table and Kit watched him come closer, trying to calm his beating heart. "Why'd yougrab me?"

  He watched as Jason picked up the clipboard. He hadn't touched it and the manput it offto the side as he took a seat on the stool beside him. "Would you believe it was an accident and my armjust happened to wrap around you?"

  Kit snorted. "And you just happened to body slamme?"

  Jason's face colored and he looked away. "Yeah… Sorry's not good enough but it's all I've got, Kit."

  He shrugged. "And I just want a reason."

  Jason ran both hands through his messy black hair. Kit had to stop himself from reaching out and touching those soft strands. Instead he balled his hand into a fist in his lap. Jason took a breath before he said, "I didn't want you to leave." Kit was about to interrupt him but Jason held up a hand to silence him. "I haven't seen you in six months. My fault and I'm shit for doing that to you. I thought you'd be okay. Even after your mom told me you were skipping meals and staying in your roomI thought you'd come out of it. I figured you needed some time and then one day you'd snap back into life and you'd be okay. That was back inApril and I'ma damn fool for not listening to her. Then you come inhere and you've obviouslyneeded help. I couldn't just let yougo without doingsomething."

  "So you thought you'd crack my ribs?" The words were supposed to come out a lot stronger. But Jason was right. Kit did need someone. "I need Bear." He wiped his nose on the hem of his T-shirt. Oh hell. He bowed his head as the tears started coming down. Jason was beside him in an instant, those strong arms wrapping around his shoulders as he pulled Kit against his chest. "I miss himso damn much," Kit whispered as he rested his head against the steady drum of Jason's heart.

  "I do too, Kit." Jason rubbed Kit's back in large, soothingcircles. "He was mybest friend."

  Kit nodded. "Mine too."He took a deep breath and forced his body to move away fromJason's. It was a hard thing to leave that comforting warmth but he had to. "I want that tattoo, so hand me the clipboard."

  Jason's arm stayed around his shoulders for another moment before he got off the table and got the clipboard for him. He took a moment to fill out the top portion of the form before he looked up at Kit. "Want to do this yourselfor do youwant help?"

  Kit shrugged. "Youcan."

  Jason nodded and bent his head. "Let me know if something is incorrect. No HIV, AIDS, diabetes, epilepsyor anycommunicable disease, right?"

  Kit shook his head. Jason should know those things but he supposed he had to answer him for the paperwork.

  "Have you done drugs or had alcohol today?" Jasonasked.

  Kit's face went pale. "I don't do drugs. You know that. And I haven't had a drink since…" He bit his bottomlip and turned his face away.

  "Since Bear. Yeah, me neither. Sure you don't want to do this yourself?"Kit shook his head. "Allright, then I'll keep going. I'm not responsible if you get an allergic reaction to the ink. Clear?" Kit nodded. "And if you get an infection, especially because you can't follow the basic directions I'm going to hand your sorry ass, that's not my fault but I will drive you to the doctor so that he can tell you what an idiot you were. And then I willlaughat youmercilessly."

  Kit managed a small grin. "You this mean to all your customers?"

  Jason smiled at him. It was quick, just the simplest turn of his lips but it helped Kit feel better. "No, just you." His head went back down as he read throughthe sheet. "You're over eighteen, I'mnot forcing you to get a tattoo, and you're sane." He looked up. "You are still sane right?" Kit rolled his eyes and Jason went back to finishing the paperwork. "Here, sign at the bottom. Date it yourself."

  He handed over the clipboard and Kit quickly took it. His eyes caught on his birth date. Jason had remembered. It's not like it was right near Bear's or near any major holiday so the fact the man remembered broke something loose inside of him. Tears pooled in his eyes. "Youremembered."

  "Remembered what?"Jason stood and came to see what Kit was looking at. Kit felt stupid at tearing up over something so simple. But it mattered. He pointed to the place where Jason had filled in his personal information. Jason shifted beside him. "Yeah, so? I didn't forget youcompletely, Kit. I'msure it seemed like it and I'm going to do my best to make that up to you. But thoughts of you didn't go away." Jason draped his hand on the back of Kit's neck and Kit found himself leaninginto that warmth.

  "I feel like I did. That I didn't matter anymore." Jason's hand tightened on his neck as his fingers threaded into his hair and gave a light tug, forcing Kit to tilt his head back and look up at him.

  "You fucking matter. You've always mattered. To your family. To me. You've always fucking mattered and don't youever forget that again,"he ground out.

  Kit felt exposed as Jason held himthere, but he didn't mind it so much as the man's words moved through him. He mattered to Jason. The man he loved thought that he mattered. He'd felt invisible for months, but Jasonthought he mattered still.

  "Nod ifyouunderstand."

  Kit was quick to obey as he let go of his hair, giving him the slack he needed to move. Jason stayed next to him for another minute, rubbing his neck and moving his fingers along the fine hairs at the base of Kit's neck as Kit quickly signed and dated the clipboard. He held onto it for another moment, pretending to read over everything printed there but really only prolonging that contact. Jason made an impatient noise in his throat and Kit handed the clipboard over.

  "Now, where do you want it?"Jason asked him as he put the paper in a drawer and started getting his things together. "And what colors?"

  Kit thought about his bank account. He hadn't worked since before the accident. His boss at the community center where he used to be a lifeguard had understood back then, when he'd first come out of the hospital, why he couldn't be in the water. But then his leave of absence stretched to weeks and finally he'd stopped returning the man's phone calls. He'd never officially been fired, but like everything else, he'd simply faded away.

  "Kit?"Jasonprompted him.

  "How much for black and white on my back?" He had some money, not much though. And he knew tattoos were expensive. Especially from someone as talented as Jason. Maybe he'd let him work out a payment planor something.

  Jason shook his head. "You have to ask that? Damn, but I'm offended." Kit looked up, worried he'd angered the man. "You're free. You'll always be free. If you want to cover yourself in polka dots, you will still be free. You got that?"Kit nodded, feeling stupid as he let his head drop back down to his chest. "So take off your shirt and lay down on your stomach on the table. I'm going to draw it freehand on your back and then youcandecide ifyoulike it or not."

  Kit hesitated as he fingered the hemof the ratty T-shirt. His mom had cried when she'd first seen the scars. His dad had put a hole through the drywall with his fist. He didn't want Jason to be that mad too. "I just…"He took a breath. "Youcan't be mad okay?"

  "I'm not going to promise not to be mad, Kit. That's unreasonable. Did you get your nipples pierced or something? You don't have to be embarrassed about that. I've done it too and it's kind ofsexy."<
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  Kit just stared at him, learning more than he'd ever thought to know about Jason's chest. His nipples hadn't been pierced the last time they'd gone swimming and he wanted to ask when he'd got them done and if he could see them. And then ifhe could touch themand maybe lick them. That'd always been a fantasy. He shook his head. No sex thoughts right now. He had to get his shirt off. "I've got…" He shuddered. "You see, there's…" Maybe he should just pick another location for the tattoo. But his back felt right.

  Jason came over to stand in front of him and placed a firmhand on either shoulder. "Kit, talk to me." His quiet command soothed Kit and he forced himself to nod.

  "I've got scars. From the accident. Mom and Dad freaked out when they saw them. Like seriously freaked. I don't want you to be upset too," he said quietlyas he stared up into Jason's nearlyblack eyes.

  "I knew you were in the hospital and I was told you'd been grazed by the truck. I figured you'd have some scarring. We can't tattoo over the scars since you haven't had themlong enough so I'll put the bear's face ona part that isn't scarred. Okay?"

  Kit nodded. Jason's classic, matter-of-fact way of dealing with problems had always served as a calming force for him. Now more than ever. He watched as Jason dropped his hands and took a step back, giving himthe space he needed to pull the T-shirt over his head. He tossed it to the empty chair beside the table and held his breath for the inspection. He heard the sharp inhale of Jason's breath and looked up, expectingpitybut seeingpain.

  "You're bones, Kit." He placed a hand on Kit's visible ribs. "Jesus Christ, you're starvingyourself."

  Kit shook his head. "Food doesn't really taste like anything."