Outside the Lines Read online

  Kim's expression softened. "Where did you find them?" she whispered to me. We didn't usually talk about the kids in front of the others and so we had to keep our voices down.

  "By a dumpster a few blocks over. What do you think their story is?" I replied.

  She shrugged and moved away to start getting things to the counter. There were a few tables, and once the first wave of food was down, the kids started coming up to make their tacos in a semi-organized line. I kept cooking the meat for the next wave. Feeding twelve kids took a lot of food, and I'd be at this for a little while yet.

  Coming in at dinner time, I usually didn't eat with the kids like Kim did. She was off at ten then usually someone came in to stay with me. Sometimes not. Tonight was one of the nights when I was alone until five in the morning. I didn't mind it. I actually preferred it. Especially on nights like tonight when I had a pile of homework and studying to do before a midterm. I wasn't looking forward to it, but the quiet was nice and the TV in the other room worked. Plus there was a pile of books to read in the little library. There was even a whole new box that had just been brought in yesterday, but I could see that the kids hadn't gotten around to putting the books on the shelf like they were supposed to have done. I'd take care of it after they went to bed. I didn't mind doing a chore that was supposed to be for them since it kept me busy until my relief came in the morning.

  Trinity House got visitors at night too, but they didn't stay long, just kids dropping by long enough to grab some food or get warm for a bit. We were full tonight, but there was another youth homeless shelter a few miles away that was bigger and had more than one person working at night. I knew to call them if someone came in wanting to stay for more than a few hours and they'd send someone to pick the kid up. They weren't GBLT specific, but that didn't matter. The guy that worked nights there was a friend from college and he had told me to call him anytime I had a kid that needed help.

  Dinner was almost over by the time Socks came downstairs, and as soon as people noticed them the talking stopped. New people weren't all that odd. A person that the kids couldn't tell if they were male or female apparently was, though. Socks came over and grabbed the last plate left on the counter and started making up a few tacos from what was left while I continued cleaning up the frying pan.

  "Do you have enough there?" I asked Socks. I'd tried to make enough for everyone, but sometimes the last of the kids were left with slim pickings.

  Socks nodded without looking up at me. I watched Socks as they went to the table where the other people in the room sat, unsure of what I was doing or even why. They were all just kids, all tragic and hurting in their own ways, but maybe it was because Socks had been my first intake that the thin kid caught and held my attention even after I'd clearly lost theirs. They didn't talk much at all, barely more than a few words here and there when directly spoken to, but it wasn't anything more than if that was their real hair color, which it was, or if they'd always lived in the city, which they hadn't.

  I saw curiosity mix with frustration on the part of the people Socks would be bunking with, a familiar feeling. Socks was a mystery, and I hated trying to solve them. I read romances, not crime novels; I liked everything laid out for me from the start. But working here and being around these kids was giving me a pretty fair idea that I was sorely lacking in the world experience department. I figured that I'd be fixing that really fast if I was allowed to stay on here. It wasn't long after Socks sat down with their dinner than the first of the plates started coming back to me. I received some quiet compliments on my cooking skills but really there wasn't much to it at all. The sad part was that I think these kids were just happy to have food, never mind if it was good or not.

  There was a cook book in the library that no one really touched, and I decided that I'd go through it tonight. I'd memorized their food allergies already and figured something could be done for them that wasn't pasta and sauce. I only worked three nights a week because of the twelve hour shifts, but I wanted to use that time to help give these kids something brighter, not just something.

  Kim took over the dishes for me as I followed some of the kids into the TV room. It was more of an all-purpose room with a few board games, a radio, two couches and a bunch of pillows so that kids that didn't get there in time could still have something soft to sit on. I found myself playing a card game with a few of the kids when Kim and Socks came in.

  Socks found a seat in a corner and watched everyone. I tried not to let the fear and uncertainty in their eyes bother me as I played cards with the kids until it was time for them to get ready for bed.

  They all went to bed fairly easily. Having only two bathrooms in the house made things complicated, but people started getting ready a good hour before lights out to prepare for it. Someone had taught them that, and my money was on Kim as she said goodnight to the last of them and I followed behind her to do bed checks to make sure everyone was still where they were supposed to be. I'd be doing checks like that every half hour throughout the night, but if anyone did get up to do anything, I could easily hear them on the old wooden floor above me.

  It was two am before I heard anyone get up, and I waited to hear if they were going to the bathroom. I hoped they weren't sneaking into another room. I hadn't had to tell anyone to cut that off yet, and I wasn't looking forward to that experience by a long shot. Surprisingly, though, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and looked up, wondering if the kid wanted a glass of water or something. I wasn't eager to be rid of whoever it was, but I'd heard how cranky the kids were during the day when they didn't get enough sleep from the people that came in after me.

  It was Socks though who sat down across from me at one of the dining room tables and laid their head down on their arms. No words, not even really looking at me, but they were nearby. I waited for Socks to say something to me, anything at all, for a good five minutes, before I went back to the book in front of me.

  A few minutes later and wanting something to do, I made hot chocolate for us both. I brought it from home since I liked the drink so much, and though I was sure there was some here anyway, I wasn't supposed to have the food that the kids did because it was for them. I agreed with that rule, and so I kept a few pouches of my favorite mix in the backpack that I took everywhere with me. A minute later and the beep of the microwave, I had two cups of hot chocolate on the table.

  "Here," I said, pushing the mug toward them.

  Socks turned their head and looked up at me, blinking at the mug in front of them before taking it as if they didn't know quite what it was at first. "Thanks," they mumbled, sounding sleepy.

  "Sure," I said, nodding as I blew across the surface of my own. "Couldn't sleep?" I asked after I'd managed to take a small sip.

  Socks shook their head, though they did look exhausted.

  "Anything wrong in your room or with your bunkmates?"

  Socks gave me a little smile. "I like them. They're quiet. That's the problem." It was more than I'd heard Socks say until then, and I smiled at them, hoping to help them relax a bit.

  "Anything I can do to help?" I asked, not really understanding the problem. I liked quiet when I slept.

  Socks shrugged and took another sip of the hot chocolate. "I can really stay here for the next few years?"

  I nodded. "If you want to. And if you follow the rules." I tacked that on because I had to, not because I thought this kid would break them. Still, there was something I hadn't asked. A few somethings, actually. But the drugs and this kid's home life could wait until the morning. For right now, Socks was safe, and I'd do my best to make sure they stayed that way. We shared a brief smile over the hot chocolate and I went back to reading, my silent promise to look after Socks settling into my mind.

  Chapter Two

  Ten years later

  Trin

  "Hello and welcome to Trinity House."

  I looked up at the teenage receptionist sitting behind the scarred steel desk and remembered when I'd helped br
ing it to the building years before when some friends and I had found it by some dumpsters a few blocks over.

  "Hey, I'm here to see Alex."

  I didn't know if he still let people call him by his first name, but she looked surprised by something so maybe that was it. I didn't recognize her, nor should I have, and figured she was probably one of the dozen or so kids that lived in the old house off Sixth and Main.

  She picked up the phone from the desk beside her while I waited in what was effectively the lobby but was once the foyer of a house long used to being so much more than simply a single-family residence.

  "Who are you?"

  There were more polite ways to get my name, but she looked barely over sixteen, so I let it slide. "Trin."

  "Alex, there's a Miss Trin—"

  "Doctor Trin," I interrupted her.

  Her eyes widened slightly. I looked too young to be doctor, I knew this, and she might have even thought I was lying. But what she thought right then didn't matter to me so much. I just wanted to see Alex. I’d been able to rush my education, thanks to being able to test out of a good number of the classes needed to get my bachelor’s degree and taking as many classes each semester as the college would possibly let me.

  "Doctor Trin is here to see you," she finished. She was quiet for a long moment while I looked at a painting of some flowers hanging on the wall that had Trinity's motto painted on top of it: Accept yourself and each other. Someone named Pete had signed their name in the corner.

  "He doesn't know a Doctor Trin." She sounded uncertain, but the girl that looked up at me showed nothing but boredom. She'd already gotten good at having a mask. I'd been at least a year older than her before I'd figured out my own.

  "Tell him Socks is here, then."

  I didn't get to see her reaction because before I'd finished speaking an office door to my left opened, and I was looking at Alex. He walked toward me, his hand out as if to shake mine, and I had to remember how to breathe. Six years apart had been good to him, with barely a crease around his eyes.

  I took his hand in mine and shook it. The gesture felt weird between us. When I'd moved in at fourteen, he'd been twenty-three and more like a big brother to us all as he finished his internship at the youth homeless shelter. He had been the guy that stopped us from fighting, made sure we stayed or got clean, and also made us hot chocolate at two in the morning. I was glad that he'd stayed, taking on a full-time job here before I'd even entered the alternative high school program that partnered with the house.

  He pulled me into the office before I could let go of his hand, and I sat down in one of the comfortable plush chairs

  "Trin now, huh?"

  I blushed and pushed a long strand of platinum hair behind my ear. "Yeah."

  "And a doctor now, too."

  There was warmth in his voice, and I found myself looking up at him; suddenly, I was a skinny fourteen-year-old kid again, hoping he wouldn't turn me away. I hadn't been that soft little kid for years, but somehow Alex was able to take me back to that place of vulnerability. I wasn't sure if I hated that about him or not.

  "Of what?"

  "Child psychology, primarily high risk youth including gangs and homelessness," I answered him proudly. He'd been my inspiration, my driving force. Did the man sitting across from me even know what kind of impact he'd made on my life? Did I want him to?

  His eyes widened and his chapped lips stretched into a smile. "Wow. That's seriously... just wow. I'm impressed, Trin. Good for you. Are you here to apply for a position?"

  I shook my head, though I had considered it. "This place, though I love it, holds too many memories. I'm here and I feel like I did back then. I'm with a private group about ten minutes up the highway during the week. I'm new, and they're dumping the court cases that they don't want to handle on me. I don't mind it though. Those kids, the hurting ones, are the reason I got into the field; they can keep their suburban kids with their failing grades. On the weekends, I volunteer with a group that uses dogs to help trauma victims."

  It had seemed impossible, but somehow his smile got even bigger. "You're one of the house's success stories for sure. I'm glad you came back to visit."

  "Me too."

  He put one leg over the other and his long fingers crossed over the top of his knee. I saw a tan line and my gut tightened. "Are you married?" I asked him before he could say anything else. It wasn't my business or my place to ask him such a personal question, but I couldn't help myself. Six years since I'd left here, and I hadn't known anything about his life. That wouldn't do. I wanted to know everything.

  He touched the finger, unable to look away, and rubbed his thumb over the line. "I was. Been about four months now."

  I was supposed to feel sorry for his marriage ending, but I couldn't make myself feel that emotion right then. "Why did it end?" Also not my business, but in for a penny and all.

  He didn't seem surprised by my question. "He cheated. I left." Alex shrugged a little, and I looked away from his hand to see if there was any sadness in his brown eyes. There wasn't.

  "You aren't sad."

  Alex shook his head. "And you're still good at reading emotions. I bet that comes in handy working with kids."

  Fine, if he wanted to change the conversation away from his marriage, I'd let him.

  "You let your hair grow. It looks nice."

  His compliment made me smile, and I nodded as I forced myself to sit back and put my hands on either arm of the chair instead of playing with my hair. It'd been to my shoulders when he'd found me. Now it was nearly down to my butt. It was a pain to take care of most days, but I liked it.

  "And you're wearing a suit too. Nice change from the jeans and sweatshirts you wore around here." Alex looked down at his own clothing, a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, the usual fare for Trinity House.

  I nodded. "The pants are men's, but the shirt isn't." I don't know why I told him that, and that unknown had me fidgeting. They were just a pair of nice black slacks and a dark purple button down shirt. "I like looking nice." Again, another thing he didn't need to know.

  "It shows. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. And the makeup is a nice touch too. Do you always wear it?"

  No one but the people here knew me before I went to college. To the people at college, I'd always been Trin Matherson. I wondered what I looked like to Alex, what he saw when he looked at me. I wasn't normally self-conscious, and my lack of a defined gender box bothered some people. I knew this. But it had never been an issue for me. So why was I so intent on getting Alex's approval? I didn't like that feeling at all.

  "Sometimes," I answered vaguely. I took a breath, forcing myself to calm down. He'd been a friend. I could treat him like one. "I like wearing it. I have a friend, Andy, that says with my pale complexion and freakishly light hair, I can pull off a lot of different looks. Andy likes playing with my make up."

  "It's not freakish," Alex was quick to say.

  That made me smile. Alex would come to my defense, even from myself. "Thanks."

  "Are you seeing someone?"

  I hadn't expected him to bring the conversation back to our personal lives, but if he was interested, I was willing to talk. "I'm not. I had something going on junior year, but nothing since then, and even that didn't last too long."

  "Why not?"

  I considered him for a moment, wondering if this was counselor Alex I was talking to or just someone that I had once known by that name. I decided that he was asking me as a friend.,

  "He was..." I drummed my fingers on the arm of the chair. "He had an idea of what he wanted in a relationship, and I didn't fit into that formula. I wasn't willing to change for him."

  "Nor should you have to."

  There was a hint of near anger in his voice, and I tilted my head to the side as I let my mind linger on that knowledge. I'd always been good at reading people from their words and their bodies, and Alex was easier to read than most. "Thanks," I said again. "It's hard finding someone that
appreciates, even if they don't actually understand, what it means to not fit into a box. I'm bi, which bothers some people already. But I guess they have a hard time dating someone that can be masculine one day and completely feminine the next."

  "Or a mix of the two extremes," he offered.

  I gave him a tight smile. "To some, heels and jeans would have been a mix decades ago. Now heels and jeans are sexy."

  "The world is evolving. Sometimes it just takes a while."

  I smiled. I didn't think of myself as either gender, or any of the others either. I wasn't sure if I'd ever told him that, but maybe he'd been able to take a relatively good stab at it on his own. Men and women didn't generally have to announce to other people what they were, and I didn't see how I had to be any different. What was between my legs was my business, and since I'd never had a relationship where anyone else had the chance to find out, I didn't see that changing anytime soon.

  "It's really great to see you again," Alex told me.

  I nodded. "I wanted to tell you something," I said.

  He lifted his eyebrows. "Oh?"

  I played with the arm of the chair. I hadn't had that habit since leaving here, but I guessed that it was coming back. Great. Well, as far as bad habits went, I supposed that I could have worse ones. I consciously forced myself not to mess with the chair anymore or pay any attention to the little bit of string hanging down off the arm.

  "I wanted to come here to thank you for what you did for me. For all of us really, but for me especially. I needed you from the first day to the last, and you never let me down once. I wanted you to know that." I was vulnerable again as I looked over at him. But I wasn't a kid anymore, and he was a colleague in my field. I tried to remember that as I held my breath and waited for him to say something.

  He leaned forward and unfolded his legs as he softened his face. This wasn't the Alex that I knew who had been the intern and then the counselor. This man was vulnerable too, and I didn't know what to do with an Alex that wasn't the rock I had relied on through my teenage years. "I still remember that night that I brought you here."