Marked by Grief Page 5

  He led the way up the short flight ofstairs to his second floor apartment. He'd chosen it for the small balcony it'd come with. He and Bear had spent a few warmnights sittingout there, drinkingbeer and laughing. In his fridge he still had four of the six beers Bear had brought over before Christmas. He unlocked the door and flicked on the light. Silently Kit followed in behind him, his feet only making the slightest sound on Jason's linoleumentryway.

  "Take a seat on the couch. I'll be back in a second." Jason put the milkshakes on the coffee table and thenwent to the bedroomto get changed.

  Chapter 4

  Kit took a seat on the soft brown couch that was Jason's largest piece of furniture. Across from him a large TV was mounted to the wall and to his right were the wide doors that opened to the balcony. It'd been over a year since he and Bear had spent any time in the apartment. And the small space hadn't changed much. It was still neat, organized, and neutral with its browns and creams. But Jason had changed. Or maybe he'd always liked telling guys what to do. Maybe that's what made him a good boss. He didn't know for himself, but the guys at the shop sure loved working for him.

  Kit shivered and rubbed his arms despite the warm sunlight shining on him from the balcony windows. Jason had never really even hugged him before. And now he'd kissed him a few times. And spanked him. His face colored. He'd never been spanked, even as a child. And before today the idea of being spanked as an adult would have been laughable. He probably would have punched anyone that had tried. But with Jason… Damn. He'd wanted that and so muchmore.

  He wanted to obey him. No, he corrected himself. He wanted to please him. There was a difference between the two. Obeying someone meant blindly doing what he was told. He wanted to do what Jason wanted because he wanted to please him. And Jason wanted to take care of him. The spanking had been a shock. But then again, so had the kiss. Kit didn't know what he expected when he had kissed Jason, but it certainly wasn't to be kissed back. Never in a million years would he have expected Jason to kiss him. And he'd gotten hard from it. Even now, his cock pressed painfully against the front of his jeans. He couldn't remember being excited about anything in months and now his bodywas respondinglike this.

  The bedroom door opened and Kit watched, wide eyed as Jason came out in a pair of low slung track pants and nothing else. Kit licked his lips, wanting to taste all of the tanned skin and multiple tattoos on display. And he was hard too. Kit saw his erection through the thin materialand it was enough to make him dizzy.

  Jason sat down, as carefree as could be, as Kit stayed frozen next to him. He'd never done this before; he was woefully inexperienced and completely out of his element. Jason probably still thought of him as a child. Maybe he was taking pity on him. And he didn't even want to date him to begin with. Jason's arm snaked around his middle as he turned to face Kit.

  "Stop thinking," he instructed quietly. "You're here, you're safe and I'm going to take care of you. That's allyouhave to worryabout right now."

  He was right. Of course he was. He took a breath. He could do this. He shook his head. No, he couldn't. He'd never done the casual thing before. He'd only ever dated one guy and stupid Dale wasn't much experience. Not for someone like Jason. Not that Kit had really ever seen him with anyone, or had even asked. But he just seemed so much more comfortable than Kit could ever hope to be. Hell, he was comfortable spanking another guy. That took guts and experience.

  "C'mon, Kit, tell me what's going on in that head of yours." His hand came up to the back of Kit's hair, strokingthroughthe fine strands.

  Kit closed his eyes and leaned back into the comforting touch. "I've never had a casual thing before. I can't make you mad. You're allI have."Admitting that hurt a lot more than he thought it would and the words nearly choked in his throat as they came out. But they were the truth. Bear was gone and Kit only had Jason. His parents had become little more than ghosts for him and Jasonwas the onlyrealpersonhe had left.

  Jason's hand stilled on his head and Kit frowned, pushing back against that strength. Jason's breath was warm on his cheek as he said, "You won't make me mad. We'll go slow. We don't have to do anything."

  Kit turned and looked at himand frowned. "We don't?" Jason shook his head. "But what if I want to? You want to too, right? You're hard." Maybe Jason wasn't hard for him. Maybe it was just—

  Kit lost all train of thought as Jason turned and pressed his mouth against his. With Jason's hands to guide him and his larger body pressing against his, Kit easily found himself sliding down the couch until he was lying under Jason. His legs were spread, allowing Jason to settle between his thighs and rub his lean stomach against the hard tent in Kit's pants. Kit wiggled, wanting to feel him too, until Jason put a firm hand on his shoulder. He broke this kiss as he leaned back, supporting himself with one arm on the couch as he stayed above Kit. He was struggling to breathe and anticipatingwhat was goingto come next as he watched those beautifulonyxeyes focus onhim.

  Wordlessly Jason moved above him. At first it was just the lightest touch of something different pressing against the front of his jeans. And then Jason pressed harder, stroking his body against Kit's, panting with each movement until Kit had nearly lost his mind from the delicious friction. Kit writhed beneath him, trying to push his hips against Jason's as much as possible until he rose up, breaking their connection as quickly as he initiated it. Kit was bathed in a rush of cold air as Jason sat back. He helped Kit up and then they both sat there, trying to catch their breath in the near perfect silence of Jason's living room. It had been far too little for Kit and Jason looked just as frustrated as he felt as he shifted his erectionagain. So whyhad he stopped?

  Jason was the first to move as he turned to pull a small jar off the table beside him. "Take your shirt off." He turned back to Kit and pulled a large glob of the foulsmellingcreamonto his fingers.

  "That smells awful," Kit said once he had managed to pull his shirt off. His scars made stretching difficult and his new tattoo was starting to make itself knownas the simple movement left himsore.

  Jason nodded. "About as awful as that bruise is going to feel in the morning if I don't get this stuff on you."

  Kit jumped at the first touch of the cold gel but then felt it slowly start to work as Jason worked it into his skin. "What is it?"

  "Tiger Balm. All right, you're done. Start eating," Jason said as he stood up. Kit followed him with his eyes into the small kitchen, his gaze dancing over the intricate tattoos displayed onhis skin. Most Kit recognized. The grim reaper on his left hip was one Jason had done on his nineteenth birthday from someone who was doingthemfor donations to a school arts program. He'd liked the cause but had always disliked the tattoo. It sent the wrong message, he said once. Kit agreed. It did look strange onhim. It was also the last time Jason had ever told someone to surprise him when he was getting a tattoo. The Sanskrit on his right shoulder blade was new. As was the tiger next to it. Kit's mouth went dry thinking about the other new additions Jason had made to his body. Especially the nipple rings. And then he turned around and Kit could really see those small silver loops for the first time, shininginthe sunlight and his breathcaught.

  "You're not eating."Jason dried his clean hands ona toweland sat downnext to him.

  He had been too busy staring to touch his burger. Jason grinned and ruffled Kit's hair. "What's got your attention?" he asked playfully as he took a long drink ofhis milkshake.

  Kit felt his ears burning as he forced himself to look away. He couldn't possibly tell Jason what he'd been thinking about. That would be far too embarrassing.

  "I asked a question, Kit. I expect youto answer it."

  He pursed his lips. "Youwere never this fucking bossywhenBear was alive."

  Jason nodded and put his drink down. "You're right. But right now we are different than when Bear was alive. Don't you think?" Kit slowly nodded. "And you asked if I wanted to date you. This is a taste of what beingwithme would be like. Ifyou want me to go back to treating you as just Bear's little b
rother, then I will. It's your call, Kit. Either you start trusting me and see how this night goes, or we watch a movie and forget about the kisses we've shared. Regardless of your choice, though, you are eating your goddamn Happy burger." He turned and flipped the stereo on behind him. Kit watched in stunned silence as Jason folded his arms behind his head and closed his eyes as Nirvana came throughthe speakers ofthe old stereo.

  Kit ground his teeth. Jason had never sounded that annoyed with him and he'd never once dismissed him so easily. He felt cold from the loss of contact and reached out to touch him. But as soon as his fingers made contact with Jason's thigh, the man pulled away. "You may touch when you answer me," Jason said as he opened his eyes.

  "I don't want to forget kissing you," Kit admitted. "And I do want to date you."

  Jason nodded. "I don't want to forget either. And we will talk about a relationship after tonight. Now, you've earned a reward. You may have one thing. What would youlike?"

  Kit frowned. "Onlyone?"

  "Yes. You said 'fuck'. Again. And you still haven't touched your food. I won't be nearly so lenient with you in the future if you choose to continue down this road withme."

  Kit cringed back. "So you'll punish me? Hit me?" He would never want that and couldn't picture Jasonhurtinghimlike that.

  Jason shook his head and sat up. He put his arm around Kit's shoulders, pulling him close. Despite his uncertainty, Kit relaxed into the comfort and security Jasonhad offered him. "No one is ever to put a hand on you in anger. I want to spank you, to see the mark of my hand on that pretty little ass of yours that you hide under those jeans. But that willnever be a punishment."

  Through the haze of the image Jason had given him, Kit managed a small nod. Jason would never physically hurt him in anger. Kit didn't doubt that sometimes they'd argue and things would be said in anger. But that was far different than thinking Jason was going to be hitting him all the time. "So what would a punishment look like?"

  Jason gave hima little grin. "You've already had multiple punishments. In fact, you're one of the most disobedient submissives I've come across in a while." When Kit could only stare blankly at him, Jason continued. "At the truck when I told you to do somethingand youdisobeyed me, what did I do?"

  Kit's cheeks colored but he answered despite his embarrassment. "Youstopped touchingme."

  Jason nodded. "And how did that make you feel?"

  "Bad,"Kit answered promptly. "Why?"

  Kit frowned. Talking about this was embarrassing. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell Jasonhe knew damnwellwhy. But he didn't want to be like that with him, and so he took a breath and answered the best he could. "I like when you touch me. The sex stuff and the regular stuff too. I don't like it whenyoustop."

  Jason gave hima soft peck on the cheek. "Then don't disobey. Eat your food."

  Kit wanted to do as Jason had asked. But he still had questions. "But what if I don't want to have sex some night and youdo? WillI be introuble then?"

  "So sure that you're gettinginmybed longterm, are you?" Jason teased him, making Kit turn bright red. His hand came up to the back of Kit's hair and he tugged gently on the fine strands. "No, you'llnever be in trouble for saying no. You willgive me a reason though. And saying no doesn't mean I will find someone else to take your place that night. If you were my sub, I wouldn't railroad you into being miserable. It means I will see to all of your needs and take care of you, both in and out of the bedroom. And if, after tonight, you realize you don't want the kind of relationship that I can offer you, I will still be here for you in all other aspects ofour life."

  Kit nodded and let that knowledge sink in. He didn't doubt he wanted Jason. But he liked knowing Jasonwasn't goingto leave ifKit screwed this allup.

  "Any more questions?" Jason asked him. Kit shook his head. "Theneat."

  He looked at the fast food bag dubiously but still managed to pull out the two burgers. They were barely on this side of warm but that didn't seem to bother Jason as he took a big bite. Kit caught him watching himover the wrapper and quickly took a bite before Jason decided to pull away again. After months of barely eating, the fatty food tasted strange on his tongue but he quicklyfound himselftakinganother bite.

  "Slow down." Jason put his empty wrapper aside. "Youcanmake yourselfsick doingthat."

  "Youate fast,"Kit pointed out inbetweenbites.

  "I'malso not underweight." He slid a hand onto Kit's stomach just above the button of his jeans. Kit trembled from that simple contact but forced himself to focus on his burger instead of how close Jason's hand was to the tent in his pants. "I promised you a reward, didn't I?" he asked, his voice a rough whisper in Kit's ear. Kit nodded and gulped down the bite of burger he had in his mouth before he choked on it. "So what would youlike? One thing."

  His fingers dipped to trace the button of Kit's jeans and as much as he wanted to feel Jason's sure fingers on his cock, there was something else Kit couldn't get offhis mind. "I want to touchyour rings,"he said in a rush before he could change his mind and take what Jasonwas so eagerlyoffering.

  Jason looked surprised but still got up on his knees as Kit put the burger aside. He put a hand on either side of Kit's shoulders as he slid his muscular thigh between Kit's legs. Kit could barely breathe as he looked at all his tanned skin and intricate tattoos on display only a few inches from his face. Kit leaned forward and brought his lips to Jason's ribs but he quickly pulled away and put a strong finger under Kit's chin, forcinghimto look up into those onyxeyes.

  "You have permission to touch my nipples and only my nipples. Stray again and your reward will be over."Kit was quick to give hima nod.

  "I was trying to seduce you so you'd want to have sex with me," Kit explained, his face already heating.

  Jason chuckled. "I've wanted you for years, Kit. I canforce myselfto wait a little while longer."

  Kit was shocked. He'd never even known Jason was gay, much less that he'd actually wanted him too. "I had no idea."

  Jasonnodded. "Youweren't supposed to. I had this idea I'd approach you someday. And then the accident happened and I figured you had enough on your plate without me addingto the mix. I get that I was wrongnow, and I'msorryfor it."

  Kit wrapped his arms around Jason's waist and pressed his face against the warmth of his stomach. "Yeah, you were really off on that one." Jason's hands dropped to Kit's shoulders and held himgently until Kit pulled away. "May I lick them?" Kit asked, his mouth goingdryat the thought.

  "A lick is a touch," Jason said, much to Kit's relief.

  Kit looked up into those impossibly dark eyes one more time before he bent his head and ran his tongue over the cool metal. Jason's hands tightened on his shoulders, encouraging him even as Kit began to lave his tongue over his sensitive nipple. Kit's desire climbed with each gasp of pleasure that came from Jason's lips. He reached between his legs and rubbed his aching cock through his jeans, trying to relieve some of the pressure. Jason took his wrist though, pulling his hand awayas he sat back downnext to him.

  "I wasn't done,"Kit complained.

  "And I didn't give you permission to touch yourself." He took a long drink of his milkshake before changingthe music.

  Kit could only stare at him incredulously as Bush started playing. "You mean I can't come without your sayso? What the hellkind ofrule is that?"

  Jason narrowed his eyes. "Mine. And it's a strict one. If you don't like it I will put on a movie or take you home." When Kit hesitated to answer him, Jasonsaid, "I asked youa question, Kit."

  Kit nodded and rubbed his arms. "I don't want to go home. And I don't want to watch a movie. I just…" He shrugged. "I'm not good at this stuff in general. And there are rules now? I don't remember there beingrules."

  Jason chuckled. "Eat your burger while I explain some things to you." Kit quickly took a bite as Jason held up the bit of gray leather on his wrist for Kit to see. "This band is for whenI go to the gayclub about anhour away. It tells the other guys what I like and who I am as far as sex goes. Gray m
eans I like bondage, wearing it on my left wrist means I'm always the dominant one." Kit gulped nervously. Jason was certainly full of surprises today and he didn't know if he was ready to hear themall. "It's not always going to be a band like I wear. You'll see guys with handkerchiefs or key chains. Hell, I've even given a few tattoos to guys fromthe club. There's lots of colors and meanings though."

  "Like what?"

  Jason shook his head. "I won't get into all of them with you. Stay away from brown, yellow or red on either wrist. Gray and black on the right wrist willdo nothing for you. Black on the left may hurt you, but you may like that particular side ofsex. I willcome with you to the club for the first few times. I will even be there when another Dom takes you somewhere. You aren't going to get hurt unless it's a pain you like. I'll keep you as safe as you want me to, for as long as you want me to."

  "But what ifI don't want anyone but you? What color do I wear then?" Kit said as he scooted closer to Jason. Why couldn't he see Kit only wanted to be with him? Why did he have to talk about him being with someone else as ifhe couldn't wait to get rid ofhim?

  Jason looked away. "We'll talk about that after tonight. No promises untilyousee exactlywhat it means to be mine."

  Kit was furious as he jumped to his feet. "Wait and see? Is that all you have to say? I've fucking loved you for years and you're treating me like a goddamn child!" He was on the verge of hot, angry tears and all Jason could do was stare up at him like he'd lost his goddamn mind. "I hate you," he whimpered, crumbling back down to the couch. He didn't want to be there anymore, didn't want to be near Jason. The man he loved wanted to give himto someone else. Kit felt dirty and used. He didn't want to be trained like a dog and then shared at some sex club. And with Jason watching too? He shook as he pulled himself into a ball at the edge of the couch, as far away from the other man as he could manage.