Safe Haven Page 7

  “You’ve seen him. He likes to watch us, so I gave him a show. He must have liked it if he kept watching. There was no harm in it.”

  “Clearly there was,” Malcolm snapped at him, nearly yelling.

  I shrank back while they continued to argue. I wanted to leave the room, since I’d said what I had meant to, but CJ was blocking my way out. He motioned for me to follow him, and I did, but I kept my distance from him, too.

  We went into the kitchen where he put a pot on the stove and started heating up some milk. “I’m making you some hot chocolate. Will you tell me what happened?”

  I quickly shook my head.

  “Did Rex do something to hurt you? Something that needs to be talked about and gone over?” CJ asked.

  “He didn’t mean to,” I whispered quietly.

  CJ gave me a soft smile. “But whatever happened… It did hurt you. Right?”

  I nodded and he patted the island like he expected me to sit there. I did and he didn’t crowd me. He just leaned back on the counter across from me.

  “Whatever it was, I’m sure Rex was just playing, but his sense of humor can take some getting used to. We’ll both tell him to be more careful around you. It must have really upset you to make you come down and confront him, though. I’m still proud of you for doing it.”

  I clamped my hands together in my lap. In the lounge, I could hear Malcolm and Rex still arguing. “He doesn’t have to go on like that. It’s done.”

  “Then go tell him that, if it matters to you,” CJ told me.

  I frowned, but, after a few more minutes, I did slide off the island and back to my feet. In the lounge, I held up my hands and shook my head.

  “What?” Malcolm asked.

  “Stop,” I told him.

  He shook his head. “He won’t tell me what he did, exactly, but it was enough to freak you out, and he can’t do that. Blake, you’re special. You need to be protected, clearly. And Rex somehow crossed the line. He needs to know that is not all right. Go back to talking with CJ. We’re okay. Sometimes people argue. It’ll be fine.”

  I stuffed my hands into the pocket of my hoodie. “He jacked off. I watched, then he told me how you all wanted to fuck me,” I said quietly. The words were weird to me, too. I didn’t use that kind of language, but it felt important to say it.

  Malcolm just stared between us. CJ was also in the room by then, and he looked just as shocked as Malcolm did. The only one who was smiling was Rex. “Just like how we got CJ,” he said.

  I looked to CJ, and he was blushing. “It’s true, actually. We were in a club at the same time. I watched them dancing together then they came over and told me all the wild and wonderful things they wanted to do to me, and I was theirs from then on.” He sighed loudly. “Blake, you don’t need to worry about that. No one here is going to do anything to you. I get why you were so upset. I promise you, Rex won’t be raping you.”

  CJ and Malcolm didn’t understand, only Rex did. I looked back at him. I didn’t know how to explain it, and he was smiling right at me. “You’re not afraid of me attacking you, are you?” he asked.

  I shook my head.

  “Then I don’t get it,” Malcolm said in frustration.

  “I don’t, either. What upset you then?” CJ wanted to know.

  Rex stood then came toward me. For every step he took, I retreated back two paces until I backed into the wall, but he didn’t trap me.

  He spoke softly, and his smile was warm. “Are you upset because you wanted it? Did you get hard watching me? Did you come? Do you wish we could do what I said I hoped we would do someday?”

  I quickly shook my head. I didn’t want that—but I did. I hugged my arms around my stomach. His words were making me hard again, and I started to shake. My tears came next as they silently tracked down my cheeks.

  CJ stepped in on my behalf. “Rex, stop that. You can be an asshole,” CJ said to him.

  “Being honest makes me an asshole now? That’s not what you said when we were talking last night about taking turns with him.”

  I looked between the three of them. They didn’t deny Rex’s words.

  “That was just talk. Wishful thinking, if you will,” Malcolm said. “Blake, it won’t happen again. I promise you that. You can go upstairs if you’re done with what you needed to do down here.”

  Was he dismissing me in my own home? I frowned, then I realized he was giving me an out. Did they all want me, though? Was that what this was? I rubbed my hands over my arms. I was too freaked out to make a rational thought. I shook my head then leaned back against the wall as I sighed.

  “I’m not like you,” I whispered as quietly as I could.

  Malcolm nodded. “We know. We don’t mind that you watch us when we kiss. We know that you’ll never be participating in anything with us. We would never expect you to. It’s okay to be curious about your sexuality.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I know I’m gay. I figured that out just fine early on.”

  “Then how aren’t you like us? Because you’re not polyamorous?” CJ guessed.

  Maybe. I couldn’t be sure. I’d never thought about it. But that wasn’t the answer, either. “Touching,” I told them. “I can’t.”

  CJ looked like he was pitying me, and Rex just shook his head. Malcolm went and sat down on the couch. “Are your nerves overly sensitive?” Malcolm asked. I shook my head. “So it’s psychological?”

  I quickly nodded. Everything that was wrong with me was in my head. That’s why it sucked so much not to be able to explain it to anyone. It would have been so much easier if I had some horrible disfigurement to point to and say, ‘There it is. There’s the root of every single one of my issues.’ But I couldn’t. I was just me, and this was all I had. I had my books and my game and my cat and a few people I wanted to be closer to, but I couldn’t be—ever.

  CJ and Rex had moved away from me, leaving me in the corner. I was okay with that. I even slid down on my butt and pulled my knees up to my chest. CJ left us to go back to the kitchen. I hoped that my milk hadn’t burned.

  “Was it sexual abuse?” Malcolm guessed.

  I wanted him to stop asking. He wouldn’t ever figure it out anyway, and I needed them to stop paying so much attention to me for a while. I’d been the center of attention for too long.

  “Turn on the movie,” I said instead.

  Malcolm looked like he pitied me. Rex looked sick, like he thought someone had abused me.

  I sighed then said, “It wasn’t sexual abuse. Movie?”

  Malcolm started it up again. Then a few minutes later, CJ came back in, this time with my hot chocolate. He sat it down next to me then took his seat beside Rex. I stayed right there as I sipped my hot chocolate and watched some action movie with a bunch of car chases. No one talked to me or even looked at me. They treated me like I wasn’t even in the room, just as I preferred. After a while, Bandit joined us, and I ran my hands over her as she perched on my knees and yowled at me for making her walk down the stairs all by herself instead of carrying her like the princess she was.

  When the movie was over, I got up first, and I considered going back upstairs. But then I went into the kitchen and started taking out things for dinner. Shrimp, mango rice and broccoli sounded good. I needed to take my gloves off to cook, though. And I couldn’t use the stove with my hood pulled over my face so much that only my chin was visible. I pushed it back so that I could see then I began to work. Rice took forever to make, but while it was boiling, I sat on the island and held Bandit in my arms.

  When the guys joined me in the kitchen, I looked over at them. They didn’t come within ten feet of me, though, which was nice. “Can we help with dinner?” CJ asked.

  I shook my head. I could handle making three things by myself. “If you wanted to set the table, though…”

  CJ instantly smiled at me. “For four?”

  I slowly nodded. Now that we had me figured out and I was fairly certain no one would be trying to touch me in any way, sha
pe or form again, I thought that I might be able to eat with them. I could have been wrong, though. I probably was, actually. I felt my panic rising in me. I had no way of fighting it back, but I needed to try this. I had to give being friends with them—or anyone, really—that much effort, at the very least. I saw that they were trying so hard to be friends with me, and I felt like I hadn’t been giving them anything to go on. This was my olive branch, to see if I could do it at all.

  CJ got to work on the table, and I went back to loving on my cat. Rex and Malcolm left to patrol the perimeter. I watched them go into the backyard and missed being out there. It was a good thing I didn’t have a dog, since he would have required me to take him outside, which was something I couldn’t do anymore.

  When CJ was done, he came back to the island with me. “Are you okay? I’m glad that you’re down here with us and talking to us, too, but, if it is too much for you, I want you to know that you don’t have to force yourself to do this. You don’t have to prove anything to us—at all.”

  I nodded. “If no one is touching me, then I’m okay… I think.”

  “So what’s a good distance for you? Am I too close right now? Is this okay for you?” He was at least five feet from me. I nodded. That was fine. He stepped closer, bringing him to within three feet, and I shook my head. CJ instantly walked backward until he was at his original distance. “Okay. A couple of yards it is, more or less. I’ll let the others know, too, and we can figure out how to work around that. We like having you with us. You’re not just a job to us, and we would like to have you around more. We just need to know what your limits are so we don’t run them over. Okay?”

  I gave him a tentative smile. “Thanks.”

  CJ grinned at me. “Any time.”

  I worried about how dinner would go, but I hadn’t needed to. No one looked at me. No one tried to touch me. They didn’t talk to me, either. I got to eat my spicy glazed shrimp on my own. I caught CJ when he glanced at me, and I blushed, but that was it. I liked being treated like I didn’t exist, which was weird because as a kid I’d always tried to stand out. Now I was quite happy being no more important than just another chair in the room.

  The first person to approach me was CJ, who silently took away my empty plate. I let him, then I went to the bottom of the stairs. No one tried to stop me from going up. I looked back at them and saw them all in the kitchen getting ready to do the dishes together. I’d left my gloves on the island, so I used that excuse to walk back in. I grabbed them then stuffed them into the pocket of my hoodie, but I stayed there and leaned against the wall. They looked back at me, on occasion, but they didn’t talk to me. That was okay with me too. And, as they were finishing with the last of the dishes, I was comfortable enough around them to be able to strip off my hoodie. I kept it in my arms, but I didn’t need it to be my armor right then, not when I could be just a chair to them.

  CJ and Malcolm went back into the lounge. They all watched a lot of TV together. But Rex hung back for a moment with me. “You okay?” he asked.

  I nodded. He was still at least ten feet from me.

  “How did you understand why I was so upset when they didn’t?”

  Rex shrugged and smiled at me. “Because I’ve been paying the most attention to you.” I blushed deeply. “Do you want to come watch the news with us?”

  I shook my head. “I slacked on work today. I should go upstairs.”

  Rex nodded and I walked back up to my rooms, calmly and slowly this time.

  Chapter Eight

  The next morning I had another appointment with my therapist, but I was surprisingly relaxed about it as I sat down in front of my computer to talk to her.

  “Hey, Farra,” I greeted her.

  “Blake, hello. Good morning. So, you’ve had your new bodyguards for a little over a week. Let’s talk about that and how you feel having them there.”

  I shrugged and leaned forward a bit over my desk. “They’re… They want to interact with me. I’m not that used to people treating me like that. I mean, Sophia sometimes does, but not really. And my uncle does at times, but generally he sits in the same room as me and reads the news on his phone or talks to me about stocks and what I should do, like if I should sell them or not, or what I should be buying. Then I agree with him and he handles it.”

  Farra nodded along and wrote down some notes, which she would probably share with Uncle Phin. That was generally how they handled my therapy. “Are you starting to think of them as friends, or do you think of them more as employees?” she asked.

  I frowned and looked down at my glass desk. “Neither? I mean, they’re not my friends, but they seem like they want to be. But if they were my friends, they would know more about me, and I can’t tell them that—at all. Robert didn’t even know. But they want to spend time with me more than just to make sure I’m still alive like Robert did.”

  She stopped making notes to look up at me. “How do you mean?”

  I shrugged. “They ask me if I want to watch movies with them. And they like what I make for dinner. I even had dinner with them last night, at the same table too.”

  Farra just stared at me. “That’s significant improvement, for sure. Your uncle told me that you overdosed on your sedatives. What were your intentions with that?”

  I sighed and hung my head a bit. “I didn’t actually overdose on purpose. I took one extra one in the morning. I was trying to be more normal, and I didn’t realize that being more relaxed meant that I wouldn’t know that I wasn’t breathing when I was in the pool.”

  “And you took this extra pill to be more normal while you’re around them? So that they would like you more?”

  I should have realized this was going to become complicated quickly. “No. I’m not explaining this right.”

  Farra put down her pen. “Then why don’t we start at the beginning,” she said. And for the next forty-five minutes, I did just that.

  By the end of my session with Farra I just wanted to lay my head down on my arms and say “screw it” to the rest of the day. I had a headache, and I needed a break before the hard stuff had even started. Someone knocked on my outer doors and I looked at the feeds, but no one was there. I did see a wrapped present though.

  Cautiously I went to the door and peeked outside. Still no one was there, so I opened the door wide enough to pull in the gift. It was expertly wrapped in bright silver paper with a shiny blue bow. I generally didn’t like surprises, but I was curious enough to push my feelings of unease aside as I carefully unwrapped the package, put the bow on the side table, then opened the box. There I found a new hoodie for me, one that was much closer to the size I normally wore, and it had a rainbow heart on it.

  To go with your gloves, the note said, but I’d only just worn them.

  I pulled the hoodie over my head and brought it down as far as it would go over the tops of my jeans. It fit me like a thick shirt, practically hugging me. But it was really soft on the inside and I liked that it was black, just like my other one. I carefully walked down the stairs and found the three of them in the kitchen, dividing a box of cereal. Malcolm smiled at me when I walked in. “It fits. Good. We guessed on the size.”

  “How did you know about my gloves before last night? Did you go into my room?” I demanded.

  Rex snorted into his cereal. “You sound really paranoid right now. None of us went in there. We found the hoodie last night, ordered it online. The clothing store less than a mile from here had a few in stock, so Malcolm went out late and picked it up. CJ wrapped it. I wrote the note. And it looks really good on you.” He gave me a wink, and I blushed.

  “Th-thanks,” I muttered.

  “Do you want some breakfast?” CJ asked.

  I nodded. I should have eaten with my sedative, but I hadn’t because of my appointment. He poured me another bowl, and they made room for me around the island. They were very close now, but, as they bunched around each other and away from me, it was obvious that they were trying to give me space. br />
  I ate quickly and was careful not to get any cereal on my new hoodie.

  “According to the schedule Phin gave us, you had therapy this morning, right?” CJ asked. I nodded and finished my breakfast. “How did it go?”

  I shrugged as I took the bowl and put it into the dishwasher. “It was fine. She’s nice enough.” I’d had her for almost as long as Sophia had been with me. At first, she’d tried to make big strides with me and get me to do things like go outside, just like Uncle Phin had, but now it was just maintenance for me.

  I pushed the sleeves of my hoodie up, since it was taking some getting used to having sleeves that were actually tight around my wrists, and I came back over to the island to stand with them while they finished eating. I couldn’t figure out why Malcolm was staring down at my hands until I turned my palms up and caught Rex looking at me, too. CJ glanced away as if he were trying to be subtle about staring at the faint scars that ran across both of my wrists. I quickly put my hands in the pocket of my hoodie and leaned away from them.

  “How old were you?” Malcolm asked.

  I tilted my head to the side and looked up at him. “When I tried to kill myself?” I needed him to clarify so that I could give him the right answer.

  He nodded. He wasn’t asking about when my life had become so screwed up. He was just finding out when I’d tried to leave it all behind.

  “I was ten.”

  They were all looking at me with pity again, and CJ actually reached for me, but I took two big steps back and he dropped his hand. I didn’t come closer to him after that.

  Malcolm leaned forward over the island. “So whatever happened to you, it was before you were ten?”

  That was easy enough to figure out. I wouldn’t have tried to end my life if it hadn’t been. I nodded and kept my head down.

  “Jesus,” Rex swore. He pushed his cereal away from him. “If it wasn’t sexual abuse, then what the hell else was it that could make a kid want to kill himself?”