Marked by Grief Page 3

Jason's warmpalmmoved to a dark spot onhis ribs, a bruise alreadyforming.

  "I'msorry. Again."He took a step back and Kit turned over onto his stomach. This would be the hard part. He knew what his scars looked like. What was once red, angry skin had mostly healed into raised pink tissue, but the truck had hit himhard and although it had done some of the damage, the road had done the rest as he'd been thrown across the gravel that lined the park. He knew his back would never look the same and Jason would only have about half of it to work with. Jason's hand was a firmweight on his lower back as he came to stand beside him.

  "Do theyhurt?"

  Kit shook his head. "I'm alive right? So I can't complain."

  "Yeah, you're alive,"Jasonsaid gently. "But you are still allowed to complain." Kit shivered as Jason's fingers moved up his spine, over the smallest of the scars to rest onhis unblemished shoulder.

  "When the truck hit, I was already turning sideways so it scraped me and spun me sideways. I got a broken wrist, cracked ribs and a few stitches. I was lucky." He wasn't sure why he wanted to say all that. It's not like the papers hadn't explained it all already. But tellingJasonfelt different.

  "You would have died too, if Bear hadn't pushed youout ofthe wayfirst."

  Kit nodded. His brother's last act in life was to save Kit's. Which was so completely typical of Bear. But it hurt that Bear had been this great shining light in the world and Kit had done pretty much nothing with his life before or after the accident.

  He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes, and took a deep breath to calm himself, as Jason started drawing on his left shoulder. He turned and watched him, those dark eyes so focused as he chewed his lip in concentration. "The wrong brother died." He'd never uttered those words before to another person, but he'd known them since he'd seen Bear pinned under the truck that night. The truth hurt to say but the words needed to get out. Most days he felt like he was suffocatingunder them.

  Jason stopped and put the pen down. He looked angry but his hand was gentle on Kit's face as he stroked the hair back fromhis eyes. "Youaren't your brother, you're someone completely different. And it's right that you're alive. We don't always get what we want or evenunderstand what's givento us whenwe do get it. But the right brother is here withme right now."

  Kit closed his eyes and let Jason's touch soothe him. "How can you say that? Bear was amazing. He was goingto do somethinggood withhis life."

  "And you're what?"

  Kit shrugged. He kept his eyes closed; it was easier that way.

  "You are just as good as Bear ever was. I loved Bear; he was my best friend and an amazing guy. But you're not him. You're different and yet you're still as bright and as good. Neither of you should've died. I don't believe in fate or miracles or any of that, so I won't tell you it was some grand master plan for himto die and for you to live. It was a shit mistake from a fucking drunk driver and it cost you and your family a whole hell of a lot. And it pisses me off to no end that now he doesn't even have to suffer for it. But you are here and you're goingto start dealingwiththat."

  "But… how?"Kit asked him, finally opening his eyes. He was surprised to see tears reflecting back in Jason's eyes as he wiped his own away. "I don't even know where to begin. I quit my job, I've missed one semester and I'm about to miss another. None of my friends are there anymore, my family is falling apart and —"

  "And you've got me," Jason interrupted him. "I'm here now and I'm not going away again. Small steps. First, you're going to eat something after this. We're getting double cheeseburgers and milkshakes. It's good food and it's got the calories you need right now. And then you're coming over to my place for a while and we're goingto hangout and watcha movie or two. You haven't left your house in months, Kit. You've barely even left your room. After that it's up to you to decide ifyouwant to jointhe livingagain."

  Kit nodded. Jason was right, it was up to him. But he liked that someone else had a plan. He could use someone else taking control of his life for a little while and if Jason was willing to take the job, then he could have it. "Now, youreadyfor me to beginthe tattoo?"

  Kit was surprised. "You're already done drawing it?" Jason nodded. "But… how? Doesn't that normallytake anhour or something?"

  Jason gave him a half smile and rolled up his right sleeve just far enough for Kit could see the tattoo that covered his entire forearm from the inside of his elbow to his wrist. "The bear."

  Kit touched it with his fingertips. His gaze travelled to the picture behind Jason's head. "That's your arm."

  Jason nodded. "Yeah, it is. I did it the day of the funeral. I wanted a way to remember him always and just started drawing. Aguy in the shop said he'd do the outlines for me and then I did the rest myself. Tattooing yourself is not fun and I don't recommend it. But I didn't want anyone else touching Bear's mark on my skin. And it took nearly the entire afternoon while I sat onthis stoolinfront ofa mirror."

  Kit smiled. Jason had loved his brother. Kit was glad someone else had. "I'mglad he had you."

  Jasonsmiled and ranhis hand downKit's spine, leaving a trail of tingling warmth down cool skin. "I'm glad he had you too. You two were good for each other. And you were both damn good for me. I don't know how much Bear ever told you about my childhood, but I didn't have the best life growing up." Kit shook his head, Bear hadn't told himanything. "We won't go into specifics, it's done and over with. But there are reasons I spent so much time at your house. And your mom and dad took great care of me and Bear was like a brother and best friend all rolled into one."

  Kit nodded. "He was that for me too."

  Jason smiled at him and gave his hair a playful ruffle just before he turned on the machine. Kit watched, wide eyed as the pulsing needle came toward him. "You want to stop? Now would be a good time to sayso."

  Kit bit his lip and shook his head. He balled his fist in preparation for the first bits of pain and although theycame, it wasn't at the intensityhe'd beenexpecting.

  He relaxed, uncurled his hand and took a deep breath. "It's not so bad,"he said, amazed.

  Jason laughed. "You thought it was going to be awful?" Kit nodded. "Naw. It's not so bad. There are parts that hurt worse than this for sure. It'd be easier on youifyouwere the weight you're supposed to be. Right over bones hurts a lot. But this isn't a bad place to get a first tattoo."

  Kit nodded and let himself relax into the feeling of Jason's hand, steady and strong on his shoulder, as the machine buzzed against his skin. "You've changed soaps." He hadn't meant to say it out loud but Jason laughed good-naturedly.

  "Yeah, the other stuff was Bear's. He would buy a pack of the special handmade soap and then give me a few bars to make sure I didn't run out. He always was generous like that. It was hard to smell like him at first. But then it was hard not to. I switch back and forth, especiallywhenI miss him."

  Kit felt a bit sad at that. Jason loved his brother and Bear had obviously loved himtoo. Had his brother had been bi and never told him? He couldn't be upset. Kit had never told Bear about beinggayor lovingJason either. Now Kit was glad he hadn't told Bear. He never would have wanted to put his brother in that position. "I didn't know that Bear was bi. Why didn't he trust me enoughto tellme that?"

  Jasonfrowned downat him. "Bear wasn't bi."

  Kit blinked up at him. "But youjust said…"

  "I said he was my best friend, was like a brother to me and that I loved him. He wasn't bi."

  "But…" Kit frowned. He'd assumed that since he loved Jason, Bear had as well. "I thought you two were… you know… together." He tried to shrug but Jason's firm hand on his shoulder stopped him and he remembered a second later that he was getting a tattoo onthat shoulder.

  "We weren't. But it's okay to be gay, Kit. I know you never officially told me so don't be mad that I've known, but you don't have to feel like you need to hide it from me. Not sure why you never told me though. That was always a bit strange."

  Kit just stared up at him. "You knew? But… how? No one knew. I didn't eventellBear."
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  Jason smiled down at him. "You didn't know we were in the house when that asshole Dale Frix broke up withyou."

  Kit's face flamed. He hadn't loved Dale by any means, but he'd been his first boyfriend. "He said I was a bad lay." His skin flushed with shame. He hadn't attempted sex with another guy since then, though he'd gotten close a few times. The memory of that experience always stopped him.

  "Yeah, well, he was an idiot. And it's not like other guys haven't been told they're bad in bed before. It can kill the ego for a while but it's not the end of the world."

  Kit pursed his lips. "Sure felt like it. Stupid Dale. And it hurt too." It felt strange telling Jason these things that he hadn't ever shared with another person. But somehow it felt right too. Like the guy would understand somehow. Or at the very least not judge him.

  Jason nodded and the buzzing continued as he moved along the tattoo. "Inexperience can make guys do stupid things. For future reference, always get a more experienced top. You need to trust that person and they have to know what they're doing. A lot of damage canbe done the other way."

  "How could you possibly know that?" Kit asked him, a bit amazed. He knew Jason was smart but it didn't seem like simple, casual knowledge someone would get froma book.

  Jason stopped and stared down at him. "Bear never told you I'm gay?" Kit could only gape at him. "Well, now it makes sense why you never came to me to talk about anything. I knew Bear could keep a secret, but shit. This is something you probably should've known at some point. Probably should have just told you myself, but since he knew I was well before we knew you were, I assumed he'd just go ahead and tellyou."

  Kit shook his head. "No one ever told me anything. And I blame you both." He said it with a teasing smile and that's how Jason obviously took it as he grinned back downat him. "And now you're goingto have to hear allofmyquestions."

  Jason nodded. "I always thought as much. But when you didn't come to me I assumed you'd learned some other way and hoped the information was good. As longas youdidn't get hurt I was goingto let yoube." Kit bit his lip. He didn't want Jason to just let him be. Whatever the hellthat was supposed to mean. He'd fantasized about Jason for years. He didn't want to get the information and then be left to go off and find someone else to use all his new-found knowledge on. He wanted Jason. But the man didn't seem interested. Kit closed his eyes and sighed. Fucking figures.

  "Youdoingokay?"

  Kit nodded, relaxingonce more into the warmth of Jason's hand on his shoulder as the machine buzzed inhis ear. He hadn't let anyone touchhiminmonths. His parents had tried hugging himonce they got home from the funeral, but his back had been too tender and he'd cried out the moment they'd embraced him. They hadn't attempted it since. His mother tried touching him a few times after that, but the attempts were always fleeting. As if she didn't quite know what to do with him anymore. He understood. He didn't know what to do with them either without Bear around. He didn't know how to be anonlychild.

  The machine clicked off and Kit opened his eyes to see Jason putting it away. "It's all done?" He kept still, afraid to move in case there was a second part to the process he didn't know about. He hadn't come to see any of the times Jason gave Bear tattoos so he wasn't sure.

  Jason turned back to him and tossed out his gloves. "Yeah."He helped Kit sit up, keepinga hand on his shoulder to steadyhim. "Dizzy?"

  Kit shook his head. His back was sore but it didn't hurt. He knew what real pain was and this was practically nothing. He craned his neck to look over his shoulder but couldn't see anything. Jasonwas there with a mirror when he turned back around. He helped Kit stand up and led himover to the mirror against the wall. Kit fumbled a little with the mirror as he tried to get a good angle to see his whole back but once he had, his breath caught. There was the bear, bright and proud against his pale skin. He ignored the ugliness ofhis scars and focused on the art Jason put on him. The bear's head was turned just slightly whereas Jason's was tilted more.

  "It's different." He wasn't disappointed, just surprised.

  Jason nodded. "Yeah. My bear is my own tribute for my best friend. Yours is for your brother. I never do two tattoos the same, especially when they're for loved ones. Upset?"

  Kit quickly shook his head no. He loved it. Bear was there on his back. He'd saved his life and now he was permanently inked onto his skin. And Jason had done that for him. He muttered a curse as he wiped more tears away. Jasontook the mirror fromhim and wrapped his arms around Kit's waist. It was all Kit could do not to break down right then and there. All he'd ever wanted was for Jason to hold himlike this, to show him some affection aside from the brotherly attention he'd always given. He leaned into the warmth of Jason's hard chest, breathing him in. Jason was careful as he held him and Kit appreciated that. His scars were still sensitive and he had no idea how it would feel to have his tattoo touched. But damn it felt good to be held. Kit brought his arms up to circle Jason's waist as well.

  "You're going to be okay,"Jason promised. Kit nodded. He felt Jasontryto move awaybut he held him there, lacing his fingers together to stop him. "We can't staylike this, Kit."

  He knew theycouldn't spend the rest ofthe day standing there like this. But a few more moments wouldn't hurt anything. He could have that much at least. Couldn't he?

  "Just a little longer," he whispered. He wasn't sure at first if Jason had even heard him. But then the man's arms came up to circle Kit's shoulders, pulling him in closer, and Kit breathed a sigh of relief. Jason wouldn't turnhimaway.

  Kit felt the bristle on Jason's chin, the beat of his heart in his throat and could smell the warm soap he'd been using. The combined effect intoxicated him. He tilted his head and ran his nose against the underside ofJason's jaw. He hadn't shaved in at least a day which wasn't surprising.

  "Kit?" Jason asked him, his voice sounding a little strange to Kit's ears. But he rose up on his toes and took a breath. Jason's mouth was so close to his and he just wanted a little taste.

  Chapter 3

  Jason wasn't stupid. He'd been with enough mento know whensomeone was tryingto kiss him. But Kit surprised the hell out of him. He knew people had strange reactions to tattoos and the pain caused the release of all kinds of hormones. But he also knew this was Kit, and he was hurting. He felt so good in his arms, the unfamiliar intimacy with him quickly blending in with the man's familiar comfort. And there'd been nights in the past few months when Jason wanted nothing more than to fallasleep with Kit in his arms, just like this. But he couldn't do this to Kit. Could he? Kit was too youngand inexperienced.

  But Jason was human. Just a man, and he needed comfort as well. He threaded his fingers through the back of Kit's hair, taking control of the kiss as he brushed his lips against Kit's in the softest touch he could manage. It wasn't enough. Kit's hold tightened, his fingers holding onto the waist of his jeans, as his soft lips moved against Jason's. Goddamn, it wasn't nearly enough. But it would have to do. He forced himself to pullback and rested his forehead against Kit's. He kept his hand in the younger man's hair, keeping him still as theyshared breaths.

  "Jason, I—" He cracked a smile. "Sh."He reluctantly took a step back. He forced himselfto release Kit's hair. "Turn around. I've got to bandage your tat. And you're getting a care sheet, which I expect you to follow. I'll help you out with it for tonight but you've got to do it yourself or ask your parents for help." Kit easily obeyed. Part of Jason liked that he followed his orders so quickly. And the image he'd built over the years ofKit tied to his bed, helpless and under his complete control, slowlyfluttered into his mind as he watched Kit turn and face the tattoo table. "Bend over, hands onthe table."

  This part wasn't necessary and if Kit had been more experienced with tattoos he would have known that. But Jason couldn't help it as he watched Kit do as he asked, stretching the long line of his back. Jason ran his fingers along the top of his jeans and smiled at Kit's sharp intake of breath. He was watching him over his shoulder, probably wondering what he was doing back there. Jason
couldn't tell him the truth, that he was admiring him. Even grossly underweight, Kit's natural beauty was still there. It was just buried a little deeper thanusual.

  "Like what yousee?"Kit asked him. Jason looked up to see a bit of that teasing light back in his eyes. Good. He'd thought that side of him had beengone forever. "Yes."

  Kit looked surprised at his honesty and blushed. Jason moved his hand down the back of Kit's jeans, feeling his backside through the seat of his pants. Kit still watched him, his mouth open a little in surprise. Jason made sure to keep eye contact with him as he swatted him on the right cheek. Kit let out a little gasp and his face darkened but he didn't move away. Jason disliked spanking through fabric but he wasn't going to have himstrip down in his shop. He couldn't handle that much temptation right now. He rubbed him through his pants, easing any tenderness. It hadn't been a hard spank, just enough to test Kit's reaction. He moved on to the left cheek, making sure to keep a steady hand on the base of Kit's spine as he spanked him, harder this time. Kit let out a little yelp of surprise and shuddered, but the flare of desire Jason had seen spark in his eyes never left. Good. He rubbed that cheek as well, soothing him before he moved up Kit's side. He wouldn't spank him again. Not while they were still at the shop. But that little bit ofcontact had told himplenty about Kit's disposition. It was allhe needed to know he couldn't leave it at burgers and milkshakes tonight. If Kit was willing of course. And he really hoped he was. He stopped at Kit's shoulder and placed a gentle kiss onhis skin. His reward for doingwell.

  "Staythere. Just as youare." Jason felt the man's eyes on himas he gathered up a large gauze pad, some medical tape and a handful of the ointment tubes he usually handed out. He put the tubes and a care sheet ina smallbag. Kit leaned toward him as he gently taped the bandage over the tattoo. "You can wash it tonight. I'll help you with that. You'll have to put ointment on it. Pat. Don't rub. Keep it covered for the next few hours. Remember you have open wounds and they've got to be kept clean. And remember, I'm not responsible for your infection if you can't be bothered to follow basic instructions."